"THE GRAVEYARD CHRONICLES!": EPISODE 16: "Pirates Of The Titanic!"

"A great ship with a scurvy crew of pirates and all the passengers are already dead!"

"Tom and the gang have landed upon the deck of the titanic!

Maude asked for more ice in her cocktail – and got it!

The team have been returned to the ‘History Repeats Itself Domain’ and the magic key has stopped working – they could be cast into the ‘Outer Domain’ and face the dreadful prospect of Day time T.V. for eternity – and if that’s not horrific enough – there are Pirates about!

But the gang have some great holiday snaps - HERE!"

The Ghost Writer.

16: "PIRATES OF THE TITANIC!"

We’re on that great ship – the Titanic! – Yes, before it sunk, should you wonder….. and in the distance the ice-berg is looming, but this week’s captain is the notorious pirate, Captain ‘Dagger’ Jones, and his scurvy crew are now staffing the ship, the ‘Jolly Roger’ flies from her mast and the most popular deck game is ‘walking the plank!”

The ‘History Repeats Itself Domain’ is a popular holiday spot for the dead – but you have to be careful, because if you ‘die’ in any of the Domains, you’re condemned to a horrific afterlife in the ‘Outer Domain’ where the only entertainment is day-Time TV – imagine an eternity of ‘Jerry Springer’ and ‘I Love Lucy’….Aghhh!!"

Tom.

The Titanic voyage was always sold out – but after a while, the crowds started to drop off, so the ex-head of the BBC, who’s the Angel-In-Charge, added a twist to the cruise – Guest Captains and sometimes their crews! The last voyage had Captain Bligh in charge – what an old bugger! – Death hadn’t changed him a bit – he keel-hauled a couple of passengers for smoking on deck and flogged a couple more for not having their deckchairs properly placed against the wall……

But this voyage has the famous pirate Captain ‘Dagger’ Jones running things and by all accounts it’s proving really popular – several passengers have plunged into the icy Atlantic from the boards tied to the ships railings, prodded over by a sharp cutlass with lots of evil laughter and swearing – pure entertainment!

Walt Disney: eat your heart out!

"Old Walt – having no children to entertain in the Afterlife's – turned his talents to running a high-class 'knocking shop' and bar – it's frequented by only the most discerning dead perverts and he plays the brothel piano himself!"

Tom.

A particular favourite amongst the passengers, was the on-board ‘Treasure Hunt’ - searching for buried prizes in the giant coal bunkers of the ship – an elderly couple found a box containing several sex aids and haven’t been seen since.

Rather strangely, when Maude and I took part, all we discovered was a Tesco shopping trolley, whilst Larde uncovered a tribe of cannibal pygmy’s and just escaped with his life – no, they didn’t want him for lunch – who would? Apparently he had cheated at cards - I’ve told him more than once, not to play stud-poker with people he doesn’t know and Max found the Holy Grail – a small wooden chalice, the cup of Christ and the most sought after item for countless centuries, the very vessel that caught Christ’s blood at the crucifixion, the most holy of all Christian relic’s…. and swapped it with another passenger for the man’s sandals.

Norman was the most successful, finding several pirate treasure chests, filled with gold and valuable objects plundered from the Spanish Maine, but since dogs were not allowed, the pirate in charge swapped the priceless haul for a juicy bone and Norman was more than happy with his day‘s digging.

"That bloody dog has found the treasure!"

Though we had to lower him over the side several times, to return his white coat to its former glory…..

To everyone’s amazement, Mr. Boggle wandered past us, he tipped his hat to Maude and then saw our Treasure Hunt prize – He looked totally confused and pointing at the shopping trolley, shouted: “What the f**k!” Then laughing out loud, he disappeared below decks.

We all looked at each other, and then just shrugged our shoulders. It was Mr. Boggle – nuff said!

There’s a queue at the bow, to have your photograph taken in that iconic position made famous by Kate Winslet and emm…..You know, that actor, what’s-his-name?....I can never remember it – sounds like a cup of coffee……

”Leonardo Di Caprio, you twerp!”” Maude shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes – we have been in the line for the brow for a couple of hours now – I’m surprised that Larde and Max were behind us in the queue, I really didn’t think they were that close…..

”Tom, your still a bogging jerk, they are having their picture taken with me!” A small pebble bounced off my skull and landed on the old lady next to me – “Frigging sea-gulls!” She exclaimed looking skywards “Sod knows what that one has been eating – probably concrete!”

The ship’s speaker system, was announcing today’s kidnapping and ravishing of women, to take place on the upper sun deck, to start at 2’o’clock, with tickets available from the Purser’s office immediately.

There was quite a queue forming already – but Maude declined that one……

So after having our pictures taken, we made for the Bingo session in the lounge, the bar was open and Larde was ordering his favourite cocktail “Dead or drunk? – Does it matter?” and we nearly fell off our seats - the Barman was the ‘Rabid Rabbi’.

“Summer job.” He said simply and dished the drinks, not forgetting a bowl of water for Norman and a pickled onion for Larde to accompany his favourite cocktail.

Whilst Maude had her usual, a triple vodka – neat.

Max tried the red wine and I had a double whisky and ginger ale – the bingo had started.

"ARRAAHHH! Pirate Bingo!"

The bingo caller was Captain ‘Dagger’ Jones’s Boson, the infamous: ‘Catnip’ Warner-Thompson (1914 – 1944) a former public schoolboy, who addicted to catnip, had taken to piracy and bingo calling to feed his growing habit – he was reputed to be totally ruthless and would steal and kill over a bag of kitty litter (for his pet ‘Fluff-Button’, a Siamese cat that performed tricks with spoons and liked watching horror films on the TV) - Even evil men stood aside when they walked in the room!

"Boson 'Cat-Nip' Warner-Thompson."

"I was surprised by that – cats were allowed in the afterlife, but someone did tell me later that the Goddess Florence had a couple of old tabby cats called ‘Buster’ and ‘Keaton’ and since she was a very nice, fair lady, decided that if she could keep cats, then so could everyone else!

I'm a great admirer of the Goddess.

Tom.

"Ahoy! You swabs, it be time for ya bingo wid ole catnip – eyes down fore yee full house or a scurvy line fore treasure! ” He really made calling bingo numbers interesting, anyone who called ‘House!” and was mistaken, was simply taken on deck and thrown overboard – the offending card fluttering after them….Whilst others had the evil cat shoved down their underwear and young 'Catnip' Warner-Thompson would ring a little bell and shout “'Din, din's, Fluff-Button!”

Even Satan's (sorry. Kevin!) Eyes watered at hearing of that...

It was a beautiful night, cold and dark with hardly any moon and we were all enjoying ourselves, the band was excellent, ‘The 3K’s’ – A little three piece, Jazz and Soul band, despite being senior members of the Klu Klux Klan - Their finale was the ‘Can Can’, which had us dancing on the tables and shouting.

Max got too carried away and slipping on some spilt drink, fell on two pirates who were dancing together (strangely enough, they were doing the Tennessee Waltz…..) To which they took exception and tried to squeeze him through a nearby porthole, with the idea of sending him to ‘Davy Jones’ locker – though I suspect old ‘Davy’ would have soon sent him back!

Larde stepped in and the fighting began – it didn’t last long, because through the French doors came the man himself – Captain ‘Dagger’ Jones! (1921 – 2004) He fired a pistol in the air and everyone stood still – he looked about the room, cutlass and fresh pistol ready.

"Who started this brawl?” He sounded like Peter Ustinov – He looked like Peter Ustinov – Bugger me! - I think it was Peter Ustinov!

"Captain 'Dagger' Jones!"

Everyone else pointed at Max and said “Him!”

Max was pulled from the porthole and dragged off by the Boson and two equally scurvy members of the crew, one was wearing ‘jogging’ pants and carrying a copy of the ‘Wall Street Journal’ – he had a strange resemblance to Donald Trump!

The other looked about ninety, with bow legs and a large badge sewn on the back of his pirate jacket that exclaimed “Hell’s Angels – Bournemouth Chapter.” I nearly fell over his walking frame.

He still had a big brown label tied to his blouse with yellow string; ‘If found please return to SXXXXXXX Retirement Home, 15, WXXXXXX Road, Bournemouth – Nothing by mouth please!’

“Now don’t be naughty Tom and please keep to the rules – no exact addresses of places that still exist!”

The Ghost Writer.

“Now just a minute Captain, That’s unfair, he only slipped and fell, he’s too stupid to start anything.” Maude pleaded with the Pirate Captain, who looked her up and down slowly, licking his lips.

Like most males, 'Dagger' was smitten by Maude immediately and he wasn't in the mood for a long courtship!

“Take the wench as well, I need a little relaxation!” The captain waved his sword and added “Get them!”

We put up a good fight, but the pirates were better, they cheated and penned us in a corner with upturned tables – one of them still had an old couple sitting eating their dinner, who clung to the table-cloth, they really did want to finish the ‘Beef Wellington’.

The Boson eyed his prisoners and nodded, turning to his Captain: “They be stowaways! nay ticket b’tween them!” That really got up Captain Jones’s nose.

“Take them to the brig, and the girl to my cabin.” He ordered, and so they dragged us off to bowels of the doomed ship and chained us in a store room. Larde could just reach his tin of “Tennant’s Extra Strong Lager’ and take a sip.

They did have a little mercy in their damned souls.

“Stinking rats! if they harm her [unable to translate] I’ll rip a new arsehole [unable to translate] and they’ll be wearing their balls as earrings!” Larde rattled his chains in anger and frustration – I thought he would make a wonderful ghost for some old Victorian house.

"Well, its better than being unemployed!"

But they certainly knew how to chain prisoners, I could just about move if I shifted about a hundred weight of steel, Max was groaning, he was chained to a large steam pipe which was leaking and he was becoming a wonderful shade of green and red: “I feel sick Tom.” He muttered, swinging gently with the movement of the ship, and the steam was melting his sandals; “The cheating bugger!” He cried out, disappointed that he had swapped his little wooden cup for fake plastic footwear; “He told me they were real leather.”

It didn’t help that only Larde and I were hanging the right way up……..

I could only think of poor Maude and the anger was really building, if I ever laid my hands on that git, Captain Jones, I’d kill him slowly with nothing but a tin opener and a crayon - I was shocked at my own thoughts, where the hell did idea’s like that come from?

I wasn’t a violent man by nature….was I?

Then we were violently thrown about the room, with Max swinging like a pendulum – He vomited over both walls, even though they were several feet apart – if ‘distance puking’ was an Olympic sport, he would have Gold medal potential.

“We’ve struck the bloody iceberg!” I shouted, and knew the clock was ticking; we had to escape or disappear to the bottom of the freezing Atlantic and an appointment with re-runs of the ‘Jerry Springer Show’ – for eternity.

The ship's speaker system was announcing the draw for life-boat places for Third-Class passengers - it really didn't inspire confidence when the recording went wrong and started to play 'Help' by The Beatles....

Then it announced, that the film now showing in the ship' cinema, was 'The Poseidon Adventure.' – Some-one has a bizarre sense of humour, I think.

The ship lurched and Max was now spraying the walls he missed first time round.

Then slowly, the heavy sea door creaked open and the soft light of an oil-lamp bathed the room, a head appeared, wearing what appeared to be black rabbit ears, The figure was covered with a large black, knee length, pirate coat with big brass buttons and gold edging around the sleeves – I recognized it – the Captains coat! – But it was wearing bright red Wellington boots and carrying a large Fire-Axe. Now what!