"THE GRAVEYARD CHRONICLES!": EPISODE 19: "Blithe Spirits."

"It just said 'F**K off!!"

"Tom and the team have managed to escape the pirates and have some great holiday snaps! But a strange encounter with a Medium called Madame Encarta - who’s quite surprised to see them; the only spirit’s she normally finds; reside in a bottle!

But she reveals some things best left buried……. "

The Ghost Writer.

19: “BLITHE SPIRITS."

Well dear readers, we managed to escape the ice-berg with the help of the lovely crew of the ‘Marie Celeste’ – It’s spending eternity sailing the Afterlife Domains crewed by Charlie Chaplin (The Captain) and several members from the Harlem Girls Choir – they sing wonderfully obscene sea shanties mixed with lusty rugby songs whilst dressed in skimpy shorts and tee-shirts – Charlie wanders around the ship in a one piece bathing costume and a strange looking hat, which has a stuffed turtle stuck on the top, and a telescope under his arm.

The very epitome of a comedic sea captain and he's a joy to sail with!

Rather oddly, he finds Max hilarious – He only has to look at Max, scratching his arse and looking dumb, and he creases up with fits of laughter. The day Max fell down an open hatch-way was a killer for old Charlie; apparently he laughed so much, that he had to take to his bed for a couple of hours to recover.

“Tom, the man is a f******g genius!” He told me; “If that f****r was around in my days, I would be selling newspapers on a street corner and his bleeding name would be in lights!” Chaplin explained, still laughing.

I tried to explain that Max was not acting, he really was dumb as a bag of nails, but Charlie just laughed it off and when Max nearly set the ship on fire by having a barbecue on deck, he cried with mirth, Charlie wanted to keep him on board for entertainment but Max declined, after the Titanic episode he wanted to go home and keep away from water.

"Wise words indeed!"

To pass the time, Larde taught some of the young girls how to pole dance!

Dressed in that bright orange thong he had acquired for our aborted Blackpool trip, he showed them how to entertain an audience with just a pole (well, the Mast actually) and a few dance moves, the highlight was when Gordon joined in, resplendent in a matching outfit and the pair ended their performance with a ‘Full Monty’ – Even Norman howled and covered his face with his paws.

"Believe me, it really is for your own good............"

It was the first time I saw Maude go green and it wasn’t sea sickness……

"That’s just so awful, I need a large whiskey!"

The Ghost Writer.

Scott of Shepherd’s Bush fainted at the sight and later, confided in me that he would sooner be alone on the ice-berg than witness such an event, But two of the crew comforted him and after that, he sat around the ship with a huge grin on his face and volunteered to stay on board and teach everyone……..navigation!

LeMerde just sat and smoked, muttering to himself and reading back numbers of ‘The Organ Grinders Guide to training the perfect Monkey' and a most popular paperback entitled: 'How To Make Porn Films with Dumb Broads.'

Charlie and the lovely pirate lady had quickly become an ‘item’ – she regularly chased him about the ship, slapping his bottom with the flat of her cutlass and swearing at him in Swedish.

“Oh God Tom!” he panted, trying to catch his breath; “She’s threatened to hang me by my feet from the yard-arm and draw rude pictures on me with a crayon!” Then he was off again, with the lady following, waving her cutlass and a noose – borrowed from the 3K’s, I believe.

The band entertained us, playing their instruments wearing hoods and ‘Bermuda’ shorts; they too had fallen for the charms of the dusty maidens and wanted to stay.

Only the ’Rabid Rabbi’ and the Smith’s looked forward to going home. The crew had pleaded with Mrs. Smith to stay – Apparently really good Hairdresser's were hard to find in the middle of the ocean, never mind a good dead one, but she too wanted to go home - they missed their family grave.

The entire family had passed over in one hit – that hit being a Polish Taxi driver, who having consumed the best part of a bottle of 'Chernobyl Vodka', went blind and insane whist driving them to Warsaw airport.

"Viktor Stynkoff."

Viktor Stynkoff (1971 – 2010) suddenly realised that the Smith family were green, three headed demons from Hell and about to devour him.

Screaming loudly, he drove the Taxi straight into the side of a Church – he would have had the Priest as well, but he was masturbating in the Crypt with a copy of “Donkey's & Spin Dryer's” - My, My, that is a popular read.........

Father Stefan Nobgobbski emerged from the ruins of his church, somewhat stunned by the damage and carnage, still with his now flaccid member tightly gripped in his hand – apparently it took two surgeons, three days, to loosen his fingers from his much abused penis.....But the dedicated Priest continued to administer to his flock single handed and his congregation was polite enough not to ask what he was holding under the old butcher's stripped apron, during Mass.

“Jesus f*****g H Christ!” he exclaimed (I’ve translated the Polish as best I could!) “What the f**k has happened!” He never received an answer because he fainted as the decapitated head of the still screaming Taxi driver, rolled slowly across the wreckage and stopped at his feet – the face contorted, the mouth open with a smouldering cigarette end hanging from the lips.

The eyes wide open with surprise – I suppose like most people, he had never seen a priest clutching his dick in the middle of the churchyard in broad daylight!

"Oh Lord, You could have pissed on the flames at least........"

What the Priest didn't see, was the Smith family giving the late, unlamented Taxi driver a good kicking by the remains of the Vestry – Also in attendance was Kurk Bolokiski (1948 - 2010), the church gardener, who's mortal remains would not be discovered for a few days yet, still clutching his sandwich and beer bottle, shaking off bits of marble and dirt and like Father Stefan, wondering what the hell had happened.

The Collector smiled pleasantly at old Kurk and off they went – Kurk did ask the Collector about the other's, but just received a big grin in reply. Miss Smith was manhandling the taxi drivers’ private bits with the intention of removing them and shoving them up the idiot's arse.

Luckily for Viktor, a couple of Spirit-Guides appeared and dragged the Smith's off – But he remains in the derelict Churchyard to this day, cursing his fate.

"Maude says: Now that's what I call vodka!"

“That’s the problem Tom, how do we get home?” Maude and I were sitting in the Crows nest, viewing the beautiful vast ocean and Charlie staggering about the deck holding his backside and laughing.

But I had come up with a cracking plan; I would use the coin, visit MR. Death, borrow another magic thigh bone, return to the ship and pick everyone up who wants to go.

“Bogging brilliant Tom!” Maude hugged me and smiled - I really wish I had been alive in the 1880’s, that shit- head William, would be dead on the pavement outside the Theatre, long before he appeared in her dressing room with that frigging gun.

So leaving Norman with Maude, I flipped the coin and with a stupid smile on my face, said my good-byes to the gang - I knew something was wrong when I materialised in the cupboard under the sink.

No.19 OF A 'SKELETON'S LIFE SERIES:

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY DICK!!"

FORWARD TO EPISODE 20. "MADAME ENCARTA."

RETURN TO EPISODE 18. "RESCUE!"

"THE GHOST WRITER."