"THE GRAVEYARD CHRONICLES!": EPISODE 22: "The Angel."

"WHAT A BUNCH OF PLONKERS!"

"Tom and the team have returned to the old cemetery they call home and the 'Angel-In-Charge' is dropping by to see things for himself - can their home be saved?

But Maude gets great news when Walpole Salad arrives on the case, he's a Corrections Agent and her name is on the back of his packet of 'Benson & Hedges' - is she about to get her 'Life Tape' rewound?"

The Ghost Writer.

2: “THE ANGEL.”

There are ‘G-Men’ swarming everywhere, you can’t pop up from your grave without tripping over one of the buggers!

They have set up their Headquarters in the ‘Old Gentleman’s’ family crypt and now a constant stream of strange spirits in white suits and panama hats keep emerging.

The ‘Old gentleman’s’ sour faced wife was not impressed – she’s chased a couple out with a broom, and stuck the handle somewhere really inappropriate, considering the dignity of her victim’s office, and was promptly arrested.

Senior Agent Paddy Dickwright was lucky that Dr. Solomon Caper was on hand to render assistance, but he did walk funny for a few hours and gave filthy looks at anyone who mentioned ‘sweeping the area for trouble makers.’

“You Bolshevik b*****ds! - I’m fucking dead! I know my rights; you can’t treat me like I’m alive!” The old lady was dragged off to spend the duration of the visit confined in a bottle in the basement of the ‘G-Men’s’ local office.

She didn’t make many friends in authority by calling the Angel-In-Change: “A big f*****g winged, prick sucker!” Big Boy Frank promised he would have words with Senior Agent Dickwright, when Maude, quite concerned about the old lady, berated him and his colleagues about her treatment.

"I take it you knew that Angels and Arch-Angels have wings, after all, nearly every bloody drawing of them tells you so!"

Tom.

Just for your information, naughty souls are kept confined in small glass bottles until their case is heard, normally before an Angel, who’ll decide the rights and wrongs of the matter.

No one holds out much hope for her, since the Angel visiting will be the one hearing her case!

"I know its Meg Ryan in there, but it gives you the idea of what I'm saying!"

I found it odd (though Larde just laughed about it) that Maude bounced several stones off the Agents heads and all she received was three offers for dinner, an obscene poem declaring never-ending love and sexual perversion - Oh, and a picture of a certain Agents large sexual organ, resplendent in hat and sunglasses, clutching a red ‘love-heart’.

I understand that Agent Rupert Loveshaft swopped some of his knitting patterns with Maude for the offending photograph and now, for some strange reason, Big Boy Frank appears to be avoiding him at all costs…………

Maude and I are in the greeting party for the Angel and some of the other residents are quite upset by my promotion, the ‘Rabid Rabbi’ was angry and referred to me as ‘A f****g shit eating, brainless, free-loading f**k-head!’

Then he smiled at me. He is a total nutjob.

The ‘Old Gentleman’ did object, calling me: “A bloody squatter and the b******d’s not even Jewish!” But Larde threatened to reveal what he knew about him and several unsavoury females from the council run cemetery, producing a bottle of sunflower oil, a toilet brush and several feet of telephone cable as evidence.

The ‘Old Gentleman’ had been dead well over a century and had never been known to smile - apparently when he was breathing, a smile was as rare as finding rocking horse shit between your toes – but he had a huge grin on his face, the size of Shelly Winters arse, as the wife was dragged off.

Patting me on the shoulders, he declared: “No one finer could represent the best of the cemetery residents.”

Then he smiled at me. He is also a total nutjob.

Another resident dragged off was Old Wallace Shezwick, now everyone was shocked by that, he is such a lovely old corpse most were surprised, until his notorious habit of farting hurricanes that smell like decomposing skunks was mentioned.

Then everyone nodded in agreement. “We don’t want that sort of behaviour in front of himself!” Muttered the ‘Old Gentleman’ – still smiling.

Big Boy Frank promised that they would release him after the visit – if anyone had the sheer guts to pop the cork on his prison bottle……….

Mog Thislewank, Max, Larde, Captain Joseph P. Ruben & the ‘Rabid Rabbi’ were the Guard of Honour, whilst I, the ‘Old Gentleman’, Maude, Dr. Solomon Caper and of course, Moses Wells-Steinman were the greeting party.

Young Ruth Thudstein was to present some flowers and was very excited about the whole thing – she is really too young to be here and should be ‘Collected’ or be assigned a ‘Corrections Agent’, and I have resolved to take the matter up with the Angel.

Maude was delighted with the idea and gripped my hand: “Sometimes, you can be quite a caring dirtbag!” Coming from Maude I knew that was a compliment – I felt great – despite being dead!

"Caring dirtbag! - That put a smile on my dead face!"

At last everything was ready, I had managed to hide Norman with the ‘volunteers’ over the fence – just in case – the ‘G-Men’ were alert for trouble, the Guard of Honour was drawn up and the greeting party had gathered by the gates.

Young Ruth had a large bunch of dead flowers and leaves, tied in a lovely bright red coffin cord, and a big smile.

The air was electric with anticipation, apart from Senior Agent Dickwright, no-one had ever met an Angel, Not even Lily, who waved enthusiastically from the crowd and gave the thumbs up, shouting:” Go for it George! Give the bugger hell, you tosser!”

Yes, King Henry V had a lot to answer for - then she smiled at me.

She is now a total nutjob.

Lukas was outside the gates, note book clutched in his hairy paws, with several other journalists including reporters from some famous dead magazines like “Goodbye!”, “Playdead” and that very popular journal: “Coffin Dodger’s Chronicle”.

Suddenly loads of spirits arrived; the Angels advance party and personal assistants - hundreds of the buggers!

"Oh shit - everyone's dead!"

A trio of them bore an uncanny resemblance to the Three Stooges. Yes, it was Larry, Curly and Mo! They were slapping each other about and swearing loudly – everyone laughed. Thankfully, death hadn’t changed them one bit, they were still complete nutjobs – they would fit in here really well, if they needed a vacation spot for their holidays.

“The warm up act [unable to translate] for himself.” Larde nodded and smiled, taking a big swig from his can.

Maude was really excited, she and Ruth hugged each other in anticipation, whilst Mog was standing to attention and saluting, the ‘Rabid Rabbi’ was practising bowing and trying desperately not to swear, at one point stuffing a rag into his foul mouth and managing a strange grin.

He looked like a bulldog with some poor buggers underpants in his jaws.

Max looked around, a little bewildered, and asked:”Is the circus in town, tom?”

Then himself was here.

"Angel Archie - What a great bloke!"

The crowds had gone completely silent – you could have heard a coffin nail drop, because the Angel-In-Charge of this Afterlife Domain had arrived - and he disappointed no-one (especially the ladies!) It was Cary Grant, totally charming, athletic and dressed to thrill in a pure white silk suit, with his stunning cream coloured wings, folded behind him – they sparkled in the sunlight and shimmered gently in the slight breeze.

“Wow! Cary Grant an Angel! He is my wife’s favourite actor, she’ll be tickled pink to learn that his now an Angel! I take it readers, that you know his real name was Archibald Leach!"

The Ghost Writer.

Maude managed to whisper: “My God!” and clutched her heart with both hands, she was captured by love and totally lost – like every other woman there, and of course, Agent Rupert Loveshaft, but rather surprisingly, old Mog fell to his knees and yelled out in hopeless frustration and passion: “Take me, I’m yours!”

He seemed as surprised as everyone else by this sudden declaration of ‘The love that dare not speak its name’.

"Another little quote from our old friend Oscar Wilde."

Tom.

To Mog’s further surprise, Mr. Angry leapt from a near-by hole and dragged him away – like a spider with a fly. Apparently, they actually did live happily ever after……That’s the power of Angels for you!

The Angel smiled and waved at the crowd - several females fainted with sheer joy. He came up to the stunned Greeting Party and shook hands all round, except Maude, he simply kissed her hand and she passed out at his feet – clutching his wonderful and perfectly formed leg.

It took three ‘G-men’ and two assistants, some minutes to free her clenched fingers from his ankle.

I helped Maude to her feet. She opened her beautiful eyes and looked deep into my soul: “Christ Mother, you need a bogging shave!” But after a few minutes she was herself again - a stone bounced off my forehead confirmed that.

What a visit! Angel Archie (Cary Grant to you) impressed everybody with his profound interest in our problems and his wonderful friendly manners went down a storm. “We’re in safe hands!” declared the ‘Old Gentleman’ with a huge smile (twice in a hundred years must be a record for him?) But what impressed Maude and I was that he even visited the ‘Volunteers’ and spoke kindly to them about their appeals to the ‘Corrections Office’.

When I bought up the subject of young Ruth, I watched a smile creep across his handsome face and he simply nodded in agreement - We also found out that the new Angel-In-Change made decisions and acted on them.

"The previous Angel-In-Charge had been promoted to an Administrative post in Heaven, but most believed it was because of his domestic problems with his young wife and her particular fancy for gardeners…….."

Tom.

Ruth only had a few minutes to say goodbye and thank everyone for their kindness, because a Collector was already waiting – she hugged Maude and Lily for some time and all three cried openly with a mix of sadness and joy.

Then she was gone.

"Goodbye Ruthie!"

There were few dry eyes when everyone started clapping and cheering – whatever decisions our Angel makes in the future, I doubt they’ll be so popular and just. With a promise of assistance, the Angel and his retinue were gone. The great visit was over and everyone sat around in little groups, talking and discussing the events of the day.

For the first time in years, there was a real feeling of hope and optimism and many wanted to shake my hand and thank me for the idea of involving the Angel. For the first time in years I felt good about myself, and then I remembered I had to visit MR. Death.

Maude and I retrieved Norman from the ‘Volunteers’ – We both laughed when they told us that the Angel had patted him, and did nothing about the rule of ‘No Dogs Allowed!’ He had promised to have their cases reviewed and some were still tearful with hope and anticipation – they hugged both of us in turn and Maude was a flood with tears again.

Yes, we had an Angel who commanded respect, loyalty and love – and he would never make a politician all the time he has wings on his back……..Thank God!

Maude was really against my pending visit to MR. Death and asked me not to go, but I knew I must and I think she did too. I flipped the coin and was on my way.

"Just for your information, the ‘Old Gentleman’s’ wife was released, as was Old Wallace Shezwick without charges and returned home.

Most doubt if the ‘Old Gentleman’s’ face will ever play host to a smile again………"

Tom.