"THE GRAVEYARD CHRONICLES!": EPISODE 24: "Walpole Alexander Salad."

"WALPOLE ALEANDER SALAD - CORRECTIONS AGENT FOR GOD!"

24: “WALPOLE ALEXANDER SALAD.”

We appeared at the gates of the cemetery and Reg placed his faithful old bike against the stone wall. There were ‘Lifer’s’ everywhere, TV and News vans were scattered about the small lane which lead up to the gates and two police officers had a bright yellow plastic tape strung across the entrance.

“It’s never been this busy since the last bout of Influenza!” I muttered to myself.

Though the traffic tended to be one way in that instance………

Reg and I wandered in and Norman came bounding up for a joyful reunion, with Max and Larde not far behind. Big Boy Frank smiled and waved as did several other residents.

“This is great Tom, finding that body was the best thing that ever happened to this cemetery, that Angel is something else!” Dr. Solomon Caper was clearly delighted and quite excited by this turn of events.

“He came just after you left [unable to translate] a right nobhead, but his [unable to translate] assistant seems alright and he is a ‘Corrections Agent’, Maude is [unable to translate] the bloody moon!” Larde spoke with real excitement in his voice and Max kept talking about the ‘magic watch’ that can wind back time.

"WHY DON'T THEY USE DVD'S NOW!"

I was really concerned, where was Maude? I asked Larde and the story unfolded thus:

Apparently, just after I went to see the now defunct MR. Death, a ‘Corrections Agent’ and his assistant had appeared in the Cemetery looking for Maude. Big Boy Frank had pointed her out to the strange looking pair, as he had dealt with them before; the agent was an odd looking fellow, dressed in a colourful Victorian suit, with bright trousers and waistcoat, sporting a dark ‘bowler’ style hat and a fabulous timepiece on a gold chain.

His assistant was another colourful character; dressed in a 1970’s bright orange suit, with flared trousers and boots, and a giant ‘Afro’ haircut that several birds could have nested in and still have room for squatters!

Well, as you can imagine, Maude was elated with the news that her application for a re-wind had been approved and she hugged both Larde and Max with real delight. The Corrections Agent introduced himself by kissing her hand and offering his business card.

"WALPOLE ALEXANDER SALAD!"

Maude took the card with trembling hands and asked what happens next, quite overwhelmed by it all. The Corrections Agent tipped his hat and told Maude that she would accompany him and his assistant back to the Corrections Office, where they can start the re-wind process.

“The ‘office’ was in fact, the shed next to Big G’s garden pond!”

Tom.

Maude asked if she could have some time to say farewell to her friends and the Agent just smiled broadly and pointed out that she had all the time in existence!

He tapped his magnificent watch and laughed to himself, re-reading his cigarette packet and asking Maude her name yet again.

Whilst Maude, accompanied by the Agent, said her goodbyes to her friends in the cemetery, Larde engaged the assistant in conversation and found that the Agent kept details of his case’s on the back of his packet of ‘Benson & Hedges’ and sure enough ‘Maude Large’ was scribbled across the back of the pack.

"WEBSTER FLOWERS - WALPOLE'S ASSISTANT."

The assistant smiled and then looking around confided to Larde that his boss had re-wound Terry Benson and George Hedges at least four times already!

He admitted trying a different brand of cigarette without much success: “We tried ‘Lambert & Butler’ next.” The Assistant smiled sadly. “I think he’ll have to smoke a pipe in future.” He added wishfully.

“What happened [unable to translate] the dickhead!” asked Larde, now quite concerned, then added with great insight on his behalf, and some sadness: “How many times?”

The assistant just shrugged his shoulders and said: “Twice each!”

Larde told me that he kept that little snippet of information to himself because Maude was just so happy; “I wasn’t about [unable to translate] piss on her strawberries!”

He gave me a big toothless smile and I realised that under the crust of dirt and behind the smell that could strip the fur off a badger, was a really good bloke.

I found out that Maude had already left with the Corrections Agent and his Assistant, but she left me a brown paper parcel, tied with string, and a note saying she was so sorry that she couldn’t say goodbye to ‘her favourite dirtbag’ personally.

"He has rewound Terry Benson and George Hedges at least four times already!"

I was a little choked up about that: ‘Favourite dirtbag! I was her favourite dirtbag!’ That meant a great deal to me! Larde patted my shoulders and offered his handkerchief, but I politely declined after seeing it jump from his pocket, scuttle across the graveyard, grab a large rat and eat it.

That’s when I remembered the ‘Deadogram’ Maude had sent me, I explained to Larde and Big Boy Frank that it had saved me from an eternity in Limbo.

Max looked about and said:”I just could never get that, who would want to bend under a little stick, that’s not real dancing!” He nodded to himself, satisfied that he had made his point.

We all totally ignored him; apart from Larde, who kicked him up the backside.

We re-read the ‘deadogram’ and Big Boy Frank suggested we take the G-Men’s elevator and find out what’s happening, he said that Big G’s garden was on the floor listing because that’s where they obtained the water for their weapons.

I stuffed the parcel under my arm and grabbed up Norman, who was slightly disappointed because he hadn’t finished his latest watercolour, he was painting ‘Freddie’ sprawled across a Roman Birdbath with a rose clenched in his teeth.

It was really quite good! I understand he has been asked to paint quite a few portraits by residents of the cemetery.

Mr. Angry has commissioned him to paint Mog and himself in Toga’s………

Larde and Max, who was rubbing his abused backside, jumped into the lift and Big Boy Frank and I squeezed in. “Favourite dirtbag! Bloody fantastic! I really do love her.” I said with great pride and real happiness.

Then noticing the strange look upon their faces, I said: “I didn’t just say that out loud, did I?” Whilst grinning and looking at the floor in embarrassment.

“Yes you bleeding did!” They replied as one and started laughing, slapping me on the back with some force. “Now that’s a surprise Tom, why on earth haven’t you told her?” Big Boy Frank was genuinely happy for me and shook my hand and smiled broadly.

Larde lifted his can and said:” About time you frigging [unable to translate] told her long ago, you twat!”

Max was all smiles and slapped my back: “Happy birthday Tom, you should have told us, we could have held a surprise party for you!”

“Now, I’m not surprised by that revelation, but I bet Maude will be!”

The Ghost Writer.

Big Boy Frank pushed the button marked ‘The garden’ and the doors closed.

"THE CORRECTIONS OFFICE IN BIG-G'S GARDEN!"

“What’s this twat’s name?” I asked, still with a big smile on my face.

“Oh, it’s Walpole salad.” Replied Big Boy Frank, adding:”His assistant is called Webster Flowers and I actually think he’s the brains of the outfit.”

“Yep, he seems a good [unable to translate] and he likes Bob Marley!” Larde grinned and Big Boy Frank handed me the business cards he had been given, one said:

“WALPOLE ALEXANDER SALAD Bsc SCA OVD ATT

Senior Corrections Agent

The Shed, Big G’s Garden – near the pond, Visitors by appointment only.”

“What the hell are those letters after his name?” I asked, intrigued.

Big Boy Frank shrugged his shoulders and admitted he had no idea.

I glanced at the second one:

“WEBSTER GLADSTONE HUMPERDINK FLOWERS SCA ATT

Corrections Assistant

The Shed, Big G’s Garden – near the pond, Visitors by appointment only.”

The third one was interesting, very interesting:

“BIG BELINDA THE DOMINATRIX,

Sado-Masochist Pervert

The Crypt, Prospect Hill Cemetery – near you. Whipping by appointment only”

Big Boy Frank slowly pulled that card from my fingers: “That’s a case I’m working on.” He smiled through gritted teeth and looked a little red in the cheeks (pun intended!).

Larde coughed loudly and I noticed he quickly shoved a similar looking business card into his back pocket, and started to whistle.

"BELINDA - A NICE, BUT QUITE STRICT YOUNG LADY!"

“Alright Tom.” He nodded at me and smiled. “I’m sure [unable to translate] that our Maude is in good hands.” Then took a really big swig from his can and patted Max. I’m sure I heard Norman chuckle. I pretended to examine the ceiling of the elevator and pointed out the lovely swirling patterns that were painted on the roof, and both Big Boy Frank and Larde suddenly took interest and began to discuss how wonderfully integrated and colourful the ceiling was!

Max said simply: “What the hell is a Dominatrix Tom?”

Norman and I laughed. Then I stared at him. He went quiet and barked a couple of times and pretended to scratch an imaginary flea…….death really does change some people, and apparently some dogs!

“I’ve asked Tom to keep us informed about the progress of Big Boy Frank’s case – that one sounds pretty interesting!”

The Ghost Writer.

Well, we’re on our way to help Maude and meet Walpole Salad – Corrections Agent, Bsc SCA OVD ATT (whatever they bloody mean!) Then the lift just stopped and Big Boy Frank started to jab at the buttons with a very concerned expression on his face; “That’s really odd, these lifts never break down!”

But something strange is happening, the lift ceiling has become transparent and a canopy of bright shining stars fixed to deep black space hang above us.

“That’s just so bloody strange, what in death is happening!” Big Boy Frank stared in awe at this incredible sight and I was totally speechless with wonder.

That’s when we all saw the giant pair of eyes staring back at us!

"OH SHIT!"

Max looked up and shrugged his shoulders; “Typical! Some little bugger has stolen that lovely old decorated ceiling!” Larde stopped being mesmerised by the fantastic spectacle for a few seconds, just to put his boot up Max’s arse and take a swig from his tin.

He was somewhat disappointed, he managed to kick Max up the backside, but his tin of 'Tennant's Extra Strength Lager' had gone.

Suddenly the stars started to spin above our terrified heads and almost blur as the lift began to sway violently and patches of dark space appeared upon the floor and walls. That’s when, with some horror, I realised I was fading, my left arm and both feet had simply vanished!

The giant eyes seem to blink and I knew we were in the shit -in a really big way!

The others were suffering the same fate, with bits of their bodies disappearing, almost merging with the growing blackness that was spreading quickly about the elevator. The lift’s walls are almost gone, everyone is shouting, Norman is howling and Max has started to cry, I see that we’re all vanishing, “What the bogging hell is going on?” I yelled as my legs disappeared.

“That idiot has started the re-wind process already!” Big Boy Frank shouted as his head and shoulders faded away. “I bet that [unable to translate] twat has got it wrong!” I saw that Larde was now just a head and one leg.

Max was just an arm and a pair of ears; that was the best he looked in years!

Then we were gone.

“Bye! readers until next time, and remember there are ANGELS who can help, DEMONS who can hold you back and WALPOLE SALAD who can’t even read a packet of fags and get it right! “

Tom.