 |
| "BYE! BYE!" |
26: “CURTAIN DOWN.”
Miss Maude explained that Canterbury had threatened her earlier, after she refused his gift of flowers and jewels, saying that if he couldn’t have her, no-one would! She dabbed her moist eyes with a little silk handkerchief and added that shortly afterwards that foul note had been pushed under her door. She smiled tearfully at Titt; “It was under my copy of ‘Dark Secrets’ – I always follow your criminal adventures Inspector and I will admit I’m quite a fan.”
Titt gulped as those stunning eyes flashed at him, his wayward erection was now causing him some bother, he couldn’t walk straight, it was difficult to stand and impossible to sit down; so he sort of hovered, resembling a monkey with a banana shoved up its arse, perched on a cactus!
“Don’t you fear Miss Large! He’ll not touch a hair on your head whilst there’s still breath in my body!” Titt declared, he was hopelessly in love and would do all he could to protect her. But this damn erection had to be dealt with before it became a real embarrassment and an encumbrance to the case; that’s when he spotted the vase full of cold water.
Thinking quickly, he announced that everyone should search the dressing rooms for clues, then grabbing up the vase, he headed for the curtains. Whilst the lovely Miss Maude and Mr. Proudcox looked about the small room, peering in cupboards and under tables, DS Darr and Madame Lily disappeared into the bathroom, Pc Asswell followed his boss behind the curtains to find him with a look of relief upon his face and his now flaccid member stuck in the vase.
“Help the Sergeant you fool!” Yelled the embarrassed Inspector, as he tried to extract his dick, splashing water down his crotch and trouser legs.
“Bugger!” He added looking around for something to wipe his clothes on. The curtains offered the best solution and he rubbed them furiously about the damp patch.
Shaking his head in disbelief, PC Asswell opened the bathroom door and noticed that Madame Lily was astride DS Darr and both were sitting on the toilet! She was moaning something in French and bouncing up and down, he also noticed a large tattoo of a well hung horse on her pale buttocks, a minor masterpiece of the tattooist’s art.
“Help the Inspector you fool!” Yelled the embarrassed Sergeant, as a pair of large unfettered breast’s jiggled in his face. That boy is an idiot he thought.
PC Asswell returned to the dressing room to find the Inspector sitting reading the magazine ‘Dark Secrets’ with a curtain draped across his lap and a broken vase at his feet.
“Well, done young Asswell!” The Inspector smiled and lit his pipe.
Miss Maude was knitting, with Mr. Proudcox holding the wool balls and smoking a cigar. “Always gladden’s my heart to see a strapping young man in uniform serving his Queen and country!” Mr. Proudcox grinned at PC Asswell, his erection was killing him; pity the Inspector accidently broke that damn vase.....
Then, a loud banging upon the door!
Inspector Titt leapt to his feet and pulled his pistol out; “Quick Sergeant! The games afoot!” Banging his pipe down upon the table, he stood in front of Miss Maude; “Behind me Miss!” Mr. Proudcox grabbed up the knitting needles and readied for action, whilst DS Darr emerged, red faced and sweating from the toilet, attempting to stow a very unruly member back into his trousers.
“What the fuck is going on?” He exclaimed, behind him followed Madame Lily, pulling down her uniform skirts and trying to control her enormous breasts which appeared to have taken on a life of their own. PC Asswell noted that the right one had a clown’s face tattooed upon it, with a very unusual red nose.
DS Darr drew his cricket bat and Madame Lily produced her old shotgun from beneath her lace apron. It’s strange what married women keep under their skirts, mused the Inspector, and then his attention was drawn back to the door.
Louder knocking and a voice!
“Telegram for Miss large!” The little voice shouted, then yelled; “Oh Fucking shit!” as the bullet just missed the Telegram Boy’s head and the shotgun pellets passed between his legs. He ran down the stairs, three steps at a time, cussing loudly, nothing surprised him anymore about what people will do to escape giving a tip.
Young Master Tibbles had decided to quit the Post Office and join the army – it was safer!
The bullet from Titt’s gun passed through the open window and struck the bucket of the window cleaner opposite, being at the top of the ladder young Samuel was bewildered that his pail was now empty, and even more surprised that his father, Moses, who was holding the ladders bottom rung, was covered with soapy water and threatening to shove the bucket somewhere very unpleasant. But as the Rabbi Jones always quoted; “God does move in mysterious ways” - especially in Birmingham, it appears!”
After checking the corridor, Titt picked up the discarded telegram and saw it was addressed to Madame Lily, from someone called ‘Jean-Paul’ the horse man.
He handed it over to her and she tore it open with shaking hands. She fainted into DS Darr’s arms and was attended by Miss Maude. Inspector Titt again picked it up and read it:
“That’s intriguing Sergeant, what on earth is known?” Inspector Titt quizzed his faithful side-kick. DS Darr shrugged his shoulders; “Haven’t got a clue Guv!”
“You will now know you English pig-dogzzz!!” Screamed Henri Jambes-Ouvertes, he leapt from the bathroom, where he had been hiding, cunningly disguised as a giant Aspidistra plant (he was doubly angry because DS Darr had relieved himself over it earlier!) “I have already killed young Horse cock and it was me that sent the note, you whore!” Henri was brandishing two very large, and very old duelling pistols and he had every intention of ending his wife’s many assignations, there and then; and terminally, it would appear.
The crazy Frenchman lay unconscious upon the carpet, he may have thought cricket was a ‘stupid, pointless, boring English game’ but when played by a master craftsman, it could be deadly!
“What the fuck was that about!” Cussed DS Darr and he pulled the pistols from Henri’s clenched fingers, Inspector Titt helped the girls to their feet and they hugged each over in relief whilst the Inspector examined the recumbent Frenchman. “I have it Sergeant!” He declared; ”This madman sent the note to his dear wife, Madame Lily, and thus it was not intended for Miss Maude!”
Everyone nodded in agreement with the Inspectors deductions;” What a man!” Miss Maude whispered, swooning a little and Madame Lily helped sit her down.
That’s when they heard the noise from the behind the sofa, they peered over and saw Mr. Proudcox being strangled by PC Asswell; Frank was croaking something about ‘his hands only slipped.......’ DS Darr dragged PC Asswell to his feet and cussed him loudly; “You can’t go about strangling Rate-Payer’s you idiot, they pay our wages!”
That’s when Miss Maude suddenly said; “Can anyone smell smoke?”
Everyone went silent and stood still, sniffing the air – it did indeed smell of smoke!
That’s when the Inspector noticed the table and curtains were ablaze!
“Jack the Match!” He yelled, and rather sensibly added; “Get the hell out of here!” and grabbed Miss Maude’s hand to lead her to safety, DS Darr took hold of Madame Lily’s ample buttocks, whilst Mr. Proudcox snatched up PC Asswell’s hand and ran for the door.
They forgot about the love crazed and jealous Henri......
Running down the stairs, they were amazed to find the fine lad’s of Birmingham City Fire Department running up the stairs, carrying a strange assortment of items containing water!
The Inspector noted a spittoon, several beer glasses and flagons, a beer barrel and a coffin! The Fire Chief, a dour Scotsman who hailed from Glasgow, was hugging a pair of Wellington Boots, filled with water. Chief Officer Mog MacFiddleme, ordered his brave boys into action, only stopping to explain how they arrived in the nick of time, to the gallant Inspector.
“Young Titt!” He exclaimed, “Thank God you and Miss Maude are safe!” He took a swig from a bottle of whisky and explained that the entire ‘C’ watch of the station had been in the “Queen Victoria” tavern opposite the theatre, attending the wake for a fallen colleague who had passed away on the job.
Apparently Leading Fireman ‘Billie the Bean’ (William) Caper had died after falling from a roof, attempting to rescue a kitten from the gutter. The fact that he was pissed out of his head, wearing only a vest and pair of Wellingtons, had wisely been omitted from his obituary. but the little cat was safe and sound, having made its own way down and returned home.
Having seen the smoke billowing from the upper floor, they had been galvanised into action. But they had one minor problem: they had left the Fire Engine, all the hoses and ladders back at the station!
But undeterred, they improvised and stripped the pub of anything that could carry water, including the dead man’s Wellington’s and even his coffin! It now transpires that the late Leading Fireman Caper was sitting against the bar, where a drunken Irishman was playing stud poker with him, and rather strangely, was losing every hand dealt....
“He would have wanted it this way; he was a true Fireman, even when dead!” The Chief shouted, disappearing into the smoke. That’s when they noticed that young Pc Asswell was missing. “That boy is an idiot.” Stated DS Darr and took a swig from his hip-flask.
Pc Asswell had stumbled down a back staircase, confused by the smoke, he stopped at a thick, brown door and he believed it opened into the Theatre foyer.
The door-plate lay on the floor, but Asswell couldn’t read it because it was face down and he never bothered to pick it up and look.
“Yep, this is the exit.” He assured himself, and pulled open the door, fumbling in his pockets for a match because of the darkness inside.
He struck the match and peered around in the gloom.
“Oh shit.” He managed to whisper.
It was an ‘Exit’ of sorts – a permanent one for the idiotic Constable.
The delayed opening performance had been a huge success and everyone agreed that Miss Maude was the star of the show, her performance was described as ‘simply wonderful’ by the Theatre critics and the many males in the audience really did appreciate her thin stage costume, on the strength of that alone, the show would be a sell-out!
Mr. Proudcox was very pleased indeed, despite being sad over the loss of his beloved Max. The whole cast of ‘Romeo & Juliet’ was now assembled on the stage, with their leading lady, Miss Maude, at the front. The Photographer had set up his cumbersome equipment and was shouting for the cast to remain still.
He was now ready to capture the triumphant scene for posterity.
Mr. Stanley Dibble adjusted his lens and placed the photographic plate in position; “Say cheese please!” he yelled. There was a bright flash as the light powder was ignited and everyone stood rigid.
Especially Chief Inspector Titt, who was standing by the curtain looking enviously at the Fire bucket - His erection was killing him!
For some reason, the Photographer seemed familiar, as did those two gentlemen standing in the wings. One was a colourfully dressed young man with a wonderful big time-piece on a chain, which he kept looking at, his servant was clearly foreign in origin, from Africa probably, but there were many Colonial servants in Birmingham now, he mused.
The Chief Inspector was a very happy man despite his wayward erection, he was engaged to marry the most wonderful woman he could ever imagine, he had been promoted and ‘Jack the Match’ hadn’t struck in over a month. And he did feel heather by forsaking his beloved pipe, since his lovely fiancée didn’t like the smell and so for the last month, he had abstained from smoking it entirely.
His loyal Sergeant had apprehended Miss Maude’s spurned admirer, a certain William Canterbury, in a cheap Hotel in the east of the city, and the scoundrel was now languishing in the Gaol, awaiting his trial for threats of murder.
But apparently, the girls really had taken to each other and DS Darr was a very happy man, domestically. They even had a Maid now called Camille, who didn’t mind looking after their pet Baboon, Norman. Her brothers visited the house frequently, whenever the Circus was in town, and Titt thought it strange that her seven siblings were all dwarfs, but there were stranger families around, he supposed, glancing at the large picture of the Queen and her children, on the wall opposite.
The cast had now returned to their dressing rooms to change after the evening’s performance, and Miss Maude gave her fiancée a big smile, and somewhat shyly, blew him a little kiss.
He grinned and pretended to grab the thrown kiss and place it on his lips.Standing behind his boss, DS Darr rolled his eyes and thought; ‘what a soft plonker!’ But he did smile too, because the actress playing the Nurse had slipped him a note to attend her dressing room........
“What the fuck!” They both exclaimed, and then they heard the gun shot.
“It came from Miss Maude’s dressing room!” yelled Mr. Proudcox, still dressed in mourning black for his lost love, and all three raced down the steps towards the young actress’s dressing room.
Titt pulled his huge horse pistol from his pocket and DS Darr drew his faithful cricket bat, while Mr. Proudcox launched himself against the door, crashing through on the first attempt. Titt and Darr followed him through, shouting out the young ladies name. There was no answer, in fact, there was no room. Just starry blackness which enveloped them and they were gone.
Miss Maude explained that Canterbury had threatened her earlier, after she refused his gift of flowers and jewels, saying that if he couldn’t have her, no-one would! She dabbed her moist eyes with a little silk handkerchief and added that shortly afterwards that foul note had been pushed under her door. She smiled tearfully at Titt; “It was under my copy of ‘Dark Secrets’ – I always follow your criminal adventures Inspector and I will admit I’m quite a fan.”
Titt gulped as those stunning eyes flashed at him, his wayward erection was now causing him some bother, he couldn’t walk straight, it was difficult to stand and impossible to sit down; so he sort of hovered, resembling a monkey with a banana shoved up its arse, perched on a cactus!
“Don’t you fear Miss Large! He’ll not touch a hair on your head whilst there’s still breath in my body!” Titt declared, he was hopelessly in love and would do all he could to protect her. But this damn erection had to be dealt with before it became a real embarrassment and an encumbrance to the case; that’s when he spotted the vase full of cold water.
Thinking quickly, he announced that everyone should search the dressing rooms for clues, then grabbing up the vase, he headed for the curtains. Whilst the lovely Miss Maude and Mr. Proudcox looked about the small room, peering in cupboards and under tables, DS Darr and Madame Lily disappeared into the bathroom, Pc Asswell followed his boss behind the curtains to find him with a look of relief upon his face and his now flaccid member stuck in the vase.
“Help the Sergeant you fool!” Yelled the embarrassed Inspector, as he tried to extract his dick, splashing water down his crotch and trouser legs.
“Bugger!” He added looking around for something to wipe his clothes on. The curtains offered the best solution and he rubbed them furiously about the damp patch.
Shaking his head in disbelief, PC Asswell opened the bathroom door and noticed that Madame Lily was astride DS Darr and both were sitting on the toilet! She was moaning something in French and bouncing up and down, he also noticed a large tattoo of a well hung horse on her pale buttocks, a minor masterpiece of the tattooist’s art.
“Help the Inspector you fool!” Yelled the embarrassed Sergeant, as a pair of large unfettered breast’s jiggled in his face. That boy is an idiot he thought.
PC Asswell returned to the dressing room to find the Inspector sitting reading the magazine ‘Dark Secrets’ with a curtain draped across his lap and a broken vase at his feet.
“Well, done young Asswell!” The Inspector smiled and lit his pipe.
Miss Maude was knitting, with Mr. Proudcox holding the wool balls and smoking a cigar. “Always gladden’s my heart to see a strapping young man in uniform serving his Queen and country!” Mr. Proudcox grinned at PC Asswell, his erection was killing him; pity the Inspector accidently broke that damn vase.....
Then, a loud banging upon the door!
Inspector Titt leapt to his feet and pulled his pistol out; “Quick Sergeant! The games afoot!” Banging his pipe down upon the table, he stood in front of Miss Maude; “Behind me Miss!” Mr. Proudcox grabbed up the knitting needles and readied for action, whilst DS Darr emerged, red faced and sweating from the toilet, attempting to stow a very unruly member back into his trousers.
“What the fuck is going on?” He exclaimed, behind him followed Madame Lily, pulling down her uniform skirts and trying to control her enormous breasts which appeared to have taken on a life of their own. PC Asswell noted that the right one had a clown’s face tattooed upon it, with a very unusual red nose.
DS Darr drew his cricket bat and Madame Lily produced her old shotgun from beneath her lace apron. It’s strange what married women keep under their skirts, mused the Inspector, and then his attention was drawn back to the door.
 |
| "YOUNG MASTER TIBBLES IS OFF TO THE ARMY - IT'S SAFER!" |
“Telegram for Miss large!” The little voice shouted, then yelled; “Oh Fucking shit!” as the bullet just missed the Telegram Boy’s head and the shotgun pellets passed between his legs. He ran down the stairs, three steps at a time, cussing loudly, nothing surprised him anymore about what people will do to escape giving a tip.
Young Master Tibbles had decided to quit the Post Office and join the army – it was safer!
The bullet from Titt’s gun passed through the open window and struck the bucket of the window cleaner opposite, being at the top of the ladder young Samuel was bewildered that his pail was now empty, and even more surprised that his father, Moses, who was holding the ladders bottom rung, was covered with soapy water and threatening to shove the bucket somewhere very unpleasant. But as the Rabbi Jones always quoted; “God does move in mysterious ways” - especially in Birmingham, it appears!”
After checking the corridor, Titt picked up the discarded telegram and saw it was addressed to Madame Lily, from someone called ‘Jean-Paul’ the horse man.
He handed it over to her and she tore it open with shaking hands. She fainted into DS Darr’s arms and was attended by Miss Maude. Inspector Titt again picked it up and read it:
ALL IS
KNOWN. STOP. HENRI GONE INSANE.
STOP. HE’LL STOP AT NOTHING FOR REVENGE
STOP. JEAN-PAUL HORSEDICK. STOP.
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| "SO I TRY TO KILL MY WHORE WIFE? - WHERE IS THE CRIME IN THAT?" |
 |
| "THAT'S SOME DISGUISE HENRI!" |
Maude threw herself across her beloved Maid;” No! No! You will not harm my Lily!” She shouted, Frank Proudcox threw himself behind the sofa, dragging PC Asswell with him, Inspector Titt threw himself upon Maude and Lily; “You will not harm the ladies!” He yelled. DS Darr threw his cricket bat straight at Henri and scored a “Six” – right between the eyes.
“What the fuck was that about!” Cussed DS Darr and he pulled the pistols from Henri’s clenched fingers, Inspector Titt helped the girls to their feet and they hugged each over in relief whilst the Inspector examined the recumbent Frenchman. “I have it Sergeant!” He declared; ”This madman sent the note to his dear wife, Madame Lily, and thus it was not intended for Miss Maude!”
Then scratching his chin added; “Only a damn republican would insult our dear Queen so! God bless her!”
That’s when they heard the noise from the behind the sofa, they peered over and saw Mr. Proudcox being strangled by PC Asswell; Frank was croaking something about ‘his hands only slipped.......’ DS Darr dragged PC Asswell to his feet and cussed him loudly; “You can’t go about strangling Rate-Payer’s you idiot, they pay our wages!”
That’s when Miss Maude suddenly said; “Can anyone smell smoke?”
Everyone went silent and stood still, sniffing the air – it did indeed smell of smoke!
That’s when the Inspector noticed the table and curtains were ablaze!
“Jack the Match!” He yelled, and rather sensibly added; “Get the hell out of here!” and grabbed Miss Maude’s hand to lead her to safety, DS Darr took hold of Madame Lily’s ample buttocks, whilst Mr. Proudcox snatched up PC Asswell’s hand and ran for the door.
They forgot about the love crazed and jealous Henri......
 |
| "MAYBE THESE LADS COULD DO BETTER!" |
Running down the stairs, they were amazed to find the fine lad’s of Birmingham City Fire Department running up the stairs, carrying a strange assortment of items containing water!
The Inspector noted a spittoon, several beer glasses and flagons, a beer barrel and a coffin! The Fire Chief, a dour Scotsman who hailed from Glasgow, was hugging a pair of Wellington Boots, filled with water. Chief Officer Mog MacFiddleme, ordered his brave boys into action, only stopping to explain how they arrived in the nick of time, to the gallant Inspector.
“Young Titt!” He exclaimed, “Thank God you and Miss Maude are safe!” He took a swig from a bottle of whisky and explained that the entire ‘C’ watch of the station had been in the “Queen Victoria” tavern opposite the theatre, attending the wake for a fallen colleague who had passed away on the job.
Apparently Leading Fireman ‘Billie the Bean’ (William) Caper had died after falling from a roof, attempting to rescue a kitten from the gutter. The fact that he was pissed out of his head, wearing only a vest and pair of Wellingtons, had wisely been omitted from his obituary. but the little cat was safe and sound, having made its own way down and returned home.
Having seen the smoke billowing from the upper floor, they had been galvanised into action. But they had one minor problem: they had left the Fire Engine, all the hoses and ladders back at the station!
 |
| "THE BOYS OF 'C' WATCH - THEY STILL COULDN'T FIND THE HORSE...." |
But undeterred, they improvised and stripped the pub of anything that could carry water, including the dead man’s Wellington’s and even his coffin! It now transpires that the late Leading Fireman Caper was sitting against the bar, where a drunken Irishman was playing stud poker with him, and rather strangely, was losing every hand dealt....
“He would have wanted it this way; he was a true Fireman, even when dead!” The Chief shouted, disappearing into the smoke. That’s when they noticed that young Pc Asswell was missing. “That boy is an idiot.” Stated DS Darr and took a swig from his hip-flask.
For his part, The Inspector couldn’t care less about Asswell, he was holding Miss Maude’s hand and gazing into her beautiful green eyes. She squeezed his hand and smiled. ‘Pity I broke that damn vase, Oh shit! I’ll get some ice from the pub!’ He groaned quietly and the little group trooped across to the ‘Queen Victoria’ Tavern – The Inspector walking rather stiffly, he cussed under his breath; “four fucking months without a single early morning riser and now two in one bloody day!”
The door-plate lay on the floor, but Asswell couldn’t read it because it was face down and he never bothered to pick it up and look.
“Yep, this is the exit.” He assured himself, and pulled open the door, fumbling in his pockets for a match because of the darkness inside.
He struck the match and peered around in the gloom.
“Oh shit.” He managed to whisper.
It was an ‘Exit’ of sorts – a permanent one for the idiotic Constable.
A Police Constable’s helmet now lay next to the discarded stage-hands cap, and both ‘Winston’ and ‘Bunny’ lay in their cage, with, if they weren’t lions, bloody big smiles on their faces.......
The delayed opening performance had been a huge success and everyone agreed that Miss Maude was the star of the show, her performance was described as ‘simply wonderful’ by the Theatre critics and the many males in the audience really did appreciate her thin stage costume, on the strength of that alone, the show would be a sell-out!
Mr. Proudcox was very pleased indeed, despite being sad over the loss of his beloved Max. The whole cast of ‘Romeo & Juliet’ was now assembled on the stage, with their leading lady, Miss Maude, at the front. The Photographer had set up his cumbersome equipment and was shouting for the cast to remain still.
He was now ready to capture the triumphant scene for posterity.
Mr. Stanley Dibble adjusted his lens and placed the photographic plate in position; “Say cheese please!” he yelled. There was a bright flash as the light powder was ignited and everyone stood rigid.
 |
| "Titt looked enviously at the Fire bucket!" |
Especially Chief Inspector Titt, who was standing by the curtain looking enviously at the Fire bucket - His erection was killing him!
For some reason, the Photographer seemed familiar, as did those two gentlemen standing in the wings. One was a colourfully dressed young man with a wonderful big time-piece on a chain, which he kept looking at, his servant was clearly foreign in origin, from Africa probably, but there were many Colonial servants in Birmingham now, he mused.
The Chief Inspector was a very happy man despite his wayward erection, he was engaged to marry the most wonderful woman he could ever imagine, he had been promoted and ‘Jack the Match’ hadn’t struck in over a month. And he did feel heather by forsaking his beloved pipe, since his lovely fiancée didn’t like the smell and so for the last month, he had abstained from smoking it entirely.
His loyal Sergeant had apprehended Miss Maude’s spurned admirer, a certain William Canterbury, in a cheap Hotel in the east of the city, and the scoundrel was now languishing in the Gaol, awaiting his trial for threats of murder.
The Chief Inspector smiled to himself, he really didn’t know how DS Darr coped with three wives now, having taken the widowed Lilly Jambes-Ouvertes into his home as number three.
The cast had now returned to their dressing rooms to change after the evening’s performance, and Miss Maude gave her fiancée a big smile, and somewhat shyly, blew him a little kiss.
 |
| "MISS MAUDE!" |
“That’s fucking odd Guv, there appears to be a fucking big hole in the roof!” With some amazement in his voice, DS Darr pointed to the ceiling with a trembling finger. Chief Inspector Titt was stunned to find that he could see stars in the night sky.
“What the fuck!” They both exclaimed, and then they heard the gun shot.
“It came from Miss Maude’s dressing room!” yelled Mr. Proudcox, still dressed in mourning black for his lost love, and all three raced down the steps towards the young actress’s dressing room.
Titt pulled his huge horse pistol from his pocket and DS Darr drew his faithful cricket bat, while Mr. Proudcox launched himself against the door, crashing through on the first attempt. Titt and Darr followed him through, shouting out the young ladies name. There was no answer, in fact, there was no room. Just starry blackness which enveloped them and they were gone.
No.26 OF A 'SKELETON'S LIFE SERIES:
Copyright © 2011-2021 Stephen Williams. No reproduction of any part without permission.
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| "THE BBC DOES IT BETTER!" |
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| FORWARD TO EPISODE 27. THE DARK LIGHTHOUSE." |
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| RETURN TO EPISODE 25. "STAGE FRIGHT." |
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| "THE GHOST WRITER." |
Copyright © 2011-2021 Stephen Williams. No reproduction of any part without permission.