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| "OH MY GOD! GNOMES WITH FUCKING GUNS!" |
28: “INVASION!”
I was in the middle of a strange, but lovely dream about a beautiful young woman who, oddly enough, was not Lady Emma, when I felt someone prodding my arm and a gentle voice saying;” Thomas, wake up! There’s a Mermaid to see you! ” It was Lady Emma, with a bemused smile on her face, she held the oil lamp up and added; “Obviously, we had to leave her on a rock by the sea, since she can’t make the stairs!”
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| "WOW! CORAL THE MERMAID!" |
She looked quite concerned and said her name was Coral, then glancing about, she splashed her beautiful tail in the misty rain and surf and explained her desperate mission; ‘It appears that Arthur the Gnome-King had managed to strike a deal with someone in the Aftertime, just to have the dark light extinguished for some thirty minutes and they were waiting to cross the bay in anything that would float.’
We were stunned and Lady Emma spoke up with some concern in her voice;” What idiot what do such a thing!”
Coral added; “It appears that the plan was to have a ‘fall-guy’ who was an idiot to take the blame for the real villain!”
For some strange reason, we all looked at Max and nodded.
“They picked the right [unable to translate] frigging twat!” Larde commented and booted Max up the backside. That’s when we could see movement across the bay as the light fell upon the far shore – the evil creatures were manning the flotilla they had cleverly constructed – the invasion was on!
That’s when the light went out!
“Back to the bogging Lighthouse!” I yelled, and thanking Coral, we ran up the beach and back to the now really dark, dark lighthouse. Max was shouting that we had to restart the light or the place would be swarming with fucking gnomes!
“No shit Sherlock! [unable to translate] you twat!” Larde was panting as we arrived at the great doors of the lighthouse, strangely enough, they were wide open and the place was in darkness. Luckily Lady Emma still had the oil-lamp with her and relighting it, we made our way to the Light-Room at the top of the Tower.
“How could old Cuthbert betray his sacred trust and allow those awful creatures to escape?” Lady Emma shock her head in disbelief; “What a twat!” She exclaimed and we finally reached the top door and pushed it open with some difficulty.
That’s when we saw the reason the door wouldn’t open, a great pair of boots, and then as we pushed harder, some legs tied with rope!
Finally we managed to heave the great door half open and squeeze in – it was poor old Cuthbert, bound and gagged and trying to shout something.
Larde managed to pull the cloth from the old man’s mouth and he shouted;” Get the bloody light on before we’re up to our arse’s in fucking gnomes!”
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| "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DOC!" |
“I don’t think that is a good idea gentlemen and Lady.” The voice was soft, yet firm and we all recognised it at once. “I did make an agreement to allow King Arthur at least thirty minutes to cross the bay – and I’m a man of my word, so I really will allow this shotgun to speak for me.”
In the quiet darkness, we heard the safety catches click. Dr. Caper really did mean to allow those terrible creatures their half hour.
For some seconds, we all stood in silence and shock, how on earth could the good Doctor allow those evil little fuckers into the Afterlife?
Max, who was staring out the great glass window, yelled; “I can see them Tom! There must be millions of the little buggers floating on boats and bits of wood!”
“Now everyone, let’s just keep calm.” Dr. Caper spoke quietly, “When they arrive, I’ll let you escape. I’ve arranged for the ‘Old Mariner’ to collect me and I will join Gwen in Sunny Cove!” he added with some sparkle in his eyes.
So Dr. Caper was the mysterious artist-weaver who had run off with old Mr. Dangle-Butt’s young wife. Little wonder she wasn’t found, the pair having made a love-nest in Sunny Cove, where few people visited, except the mermaids who resided in the bay and the ‘Old Mariner’ who lived in a ramshackle old hut by the shore-line.
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| "King Arthur starts the invasion!" |
“But why help those creatures?” Pleaded Lady Emma, peering down at the massive flotilla now underway from Sunny Cove, many of the Gnomes was carrying flaming torches and guns!
“I think Big G will be a little pissed off with you.” I muttered as I watched the Amanda approach, why hasn’t anyone else noticed that the light is out? I thought, Christ! Things are getting fucking desperate – an Afterlife with millions of Gnomes! The only thing that could be possibly worse, would be if they were Jehovah’s Witnesses!
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| "I WOULD PREFER ZOMBIE GNOMES TO THOSE!" |
“Really, Jehovah’s Witnesses! Oh my God, this gets worse by the minute.” Exclaimed Lady Emma, holding up the oil-lamp and peering through the great class windows of the Dark Lighthouse with real despair, then her expression changed to total puzzlement.
“What on Earth! What the hell is...” She never finished the sentence because the night sky was suddenly brightened by a blinding yellow flash of intense light.
We all shielded our eyes and cowered down. Max was shouting and Larde was swearing, but the accompanying noise was unbelievable, so we lay on the floor covering our ears with our hands. Dr. Caper had dropped the shotgun and was yelling something, his face contorted with fear and pain.
Somehow, with immense strength of character and no small measure of courage, old Cuthbert staggered across the room and kicked the shotgun away and falling to his knees, grasped the big red lever and pushed it up with some effort and much swearing.
The Dark light snapped back on!
There was absolute silence – an eerie darkness fell upon us and we slowly started to rise from the floor. Lady Emma peered out the window and with total surprise shouted; ” They are gone! The sea is empty!”
We all rushed to the window and she right, there was no sign of the invading Armanda, just an empty sea with little white breakers crashing upon the deserted shoreline. The sound of sea-gulls filled the air and I could make out a large fire upon the beach in the distance.
Again, as the dark light fell upon the opposite shore, we could see the many blinking red eyes of the gnomes who had been waiting their turn to embark.
But they wouldn’t venture into the Dark light!
“He’s escaped!” Shouted Max and we all saw that Dr. Caper had gone.
“No, I don’t think he has.” Big Boy Frank held up a little bottle with a very dejected Dr. Caper inside. He grinned and placed it in his pocket. Standing in front of the G-Men’s elevator, he was a very welcome sight. I noticed that the floor indicator was showing: ‘Rescue the plonkers – again!’
We all hugged him with great relief and even Lady Emma condescended to kiss his cheek with some delight.
“You are a very welcome sight Frank!” I said, gripping his hand and shaking it.
“How did you know?” Asked Max, patting Franks shoulder with real affection.
“There’s an alarm system in our office, should the light go out, it activates.” Frank said simply, with a big smile on his face. “So we informed the duty Angel and she dealt with it.”
We all peered out the windows, viewing a peaceful sea and quiet shoreline – apart from that huge bonfire, further down the beach. I could just make out a couple of figures by its bright glow – one definitely had wings!
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| "ANGEL LOUISE!" |
“Is that her?” Asked Lady Emma, with admiration and pride in her voice.
“Yep, that’s Angel Louise.” Frank nodded; “Come on, let’s go down and say hello!”
Leaving old Cuthbert to clean up the lamp-room, we made our way down to the beach, all in a very happy and relieved mood – imagine an Afterlife packed with bloody angry Gnomes armed with guns and Bibles.
When they knocked at your coffin, it would be a brave soul that told them to stick their ‘Watch Tower’ magazine up their arse and to bugger off!
The great lady was brushing scoot and sparks from her glorious cream-coloured wings and staring at the bright two moons that dominated the dark night sky.
"That’s the other odd thing about Heaven’s Edge Bay – it has two
Moons!
No-one is quite sure why, But the ‘Old Gentleman’ has a theory
that the second, a little bigger than the other, shines on the World beyond
Heaven’s Edge Bay.”
Tom.
I had to explain that he was back at the cemetery, painting pictures of his best friend; Freddie the cat! She simply nodded, as if that was perfectly normal in the Afterlife!
I looked about for the other figure I had seen from the Dark Lighthouse and asked about him; “Was that the mad Old Mariner? I would have liked to meet him.” That’s when I saw the Old Mariner coming ashore further down the beach, he appeared to have large octopus with him! – And it was wearing a hat!
“Oh no, that’s wasn’t him, he’s been playing Poker with Ralph, and he hasn’t realised that an octopus has eight sleeves in which to hide cards!” Angel Louise laughed and rolled her eyes. Then she smiled again at me; “It was Big G, he popped in to see if everything was back to normal.”
Bugger! I had missed a chance to speak to Big G and boy did I have a few questions for him. That’s when Max shouted; “What’s going on Tom?” He pointed to the two figures, who appeared to be fighting in the Lamp-room!
“It’s Gwen!” Yelled Big Boy Frank and started to make his way back to the lighthouse with Larde, Max and me following. Lady Emma remained with the Angel, who strangely enough, remained quite calm about the whole thing.
Suddenly the Dark light faltered, the beam dipping and rising.
“I think he’s got her now!” Yelled Big Boy Frank as we ran up the beach.
The beam dipped again and we heard the Angel shout; “Keep out of the light!”
But the light dropped upon us and I felt my skin tinkle and I couldn’t breathe, it was like I drowning in light. I gasped and fell to my knees and then I realised that the beach had gone – and so had we.
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| FORWARD TO EPISODE 29. "LADY MAUDE'S DARK AGE DIARY." |
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| RETURN TO EPISODE 27. "THE DARK LIGHTHOUSE." |
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| "THE GHOST WRITER." |