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"BACK TO THE GOOD OLD RAT HOLE...." |
10:”HOME AGAIN.”
Max had finished
sulking and asked: “What the hell is a Hitler?”
To a person we
ignored him and wandered through the cemetery gates, Mog was sitting on a
nearby tombstone, reading ‘a ‘Superman’ comic, after being punched in the
throat by Larde, he let us in.
I asked him where
the rest of the residents were, and once he could speak again, clutching his
throat, he whispered hoarsely “Piss off!” and went back to reading his comic.
He glanced up as
Mr. Boggle wandered past him, but he didn’t even try to stop him. Mr. Boggle
stared into one of the large holes that had appeared around the place and with
a big grin exclaimed; “What the f**k!” Then laughing to himself, he disappeared
at the rear of the cemetery.
We peered down the
hole with some curiosity – it was totally empty!
Larde gave me a
puzzled look and I just shrugged my shoulders. Maude smiled and said simply;
“Well, it is Mr. Boggle!” We all laughed.
“It’s really quiet
Tom, where is everyone?” Maude sat down on the steps of the ‘Old Gentleman’s’
crypt and rubbed her feet – Larde offered to suck them better – she politely declined the offer by
throwing several stones at him and putting her shoes back on.
We all sat on the
steps and looked around – for a big graveyard, it really was quiet – very quiet
and still – not a sound.
“BANG! BANG! Take
that you filthy hun swine!” Mr. Angry leapt from a nearby hole, he had
festooned his pink nightie with flowers and ribbons, and he was in a good mood
obviously.
Once we climbed
down from the roof of the crypt and stopped shaking, I asked where everyone
was; he didn’t know and jumped into another hole shouting “Arthur! Darling
Arthur!”
Then the ‘Old
Gentleman’s’ wife appeared and told us to “Bugger off!” from her crypt steps;
she didn’t know either, except that she suspected her husband was fornicating
with some strumpet somewhere.
She looked Maude up
and down with contempt and sneered “Something like that, I expect.”
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"THE 'OLD GENTLEMAN' IS LOOKING FOR THE ANGEL IN SOME STRANGE PLACES!" |
She retracted that statement
– after regaining consciousness – and finding a large chunk of tombstone on her
forehead – Maude was absolutely deadly with anything that resembled rocks and
the old wife threw the lump of marble at Larde, who she suspected of ‘feeling
her up’ whilst she was unconsciousness.
Her and Maude were
to become good friends in the end.
It was Ruben
Nosewell (1809 – 1867) who told us that the other search party had not returned
yet, but they had sent him back to inform everyone of their success – they had
acquired the address of the Angel in Charge and would return to elect a small
group to petition him about what the ‘Lifer’s’ were getting up to.
Now Ruben was bit
of a character, it was rumoured that whilst still in possession of his ‘flesh
suit’, he had been a right Casanova, basically he would shag anything in a
dress, and drunk as a skunk one night, attempted a romantic liaison with a
certain large and angry member of the Scots Guards, who really didn’t fancy a
‘late night knee trembler’ with old Ruben (A certain Fergus McAlistair, a well know transvestite and mountain climber) He fell from the walls of Edinburgh
castle, naked and drunk, clutching a ripped off sporran and shouting “I only
asked, for fuck sake!”
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"CAPTAIN FERGUS McALISTAIR ON HIS DAY OFF!" |
She had several
children over the following years:
Major Nosewell,
Pipes Nosewell,
Drummond Nosewell,
Scot Nosewell,
Bugle Nosewell,
And a girl called
Sporran Victoria Nosewell, who was strangely enough, African in appearance – or
just 'well tanned' as her mother pointed out, if asked.
"It was Drummond Nosewell (1870 –
1899) who, having joined the Scots Guards as a Cook, won the V.C. During the
Boar War – he had been captured by the Afrikaners and they forced him to cook
for their rebel officers, and later several died, vomiting and shitting
themselves after one of his curries, thus he was accused of poisoning and shot.
The firing squad scene resembled a
'Shakespearean Tragedy', the young officer in charge, the only survivor of
Nosewell's 'Goat Vindaloo' managed to shout “Ready!” and the squad came to
attention, then he dashed off to empty his bowels again. Some minutes later he
staggered back with enough strength to order “Aim!” But he was gone again
before he could finish.
Over an hour later, he crawled back on all
fours, and with his dying breath whispered “Fire!” Before his much abused back passage finally
exploded, causing several horses’s to stampede and two native bearers to run
screaming from the camp - believing the devil himself had appeared.
By this time Drummond Nosewell was a total wreck
and was laughing hysterically, singing bawdy music hall songs, much to the
annoyance of his executioners – for displaying such contempt of the enemy in
the face of certain death, he was awarded the British Empires greatest medal –
the Victoria Cross.
But what was really tragic, was that he hadn't
poisoned anyone – he was just a bloody awful chef."
Tom.
Tom.
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"BOAR COMMANDO'S - THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE GOAT VINDALOO - SO THEY SHOT HIM!" |
Strangely enough,
old Ruben was quite proud of the boy!
Big Boy Frank then
calmly told us, that he knew the address because he and some other agents had
dealt with a sensitive domestic matter at the Angels mansion, concerning the
Angel’s young wife and several strapping young African gardeners who had
planted more that tree seeds.
I understand that
the Angel only employs dead Nuns around the grounds now.
Rather strangely,
the Sister Superior is called ‘Richard’ and has a full beard, she loves to
regale the other Nuns with her stories about driving a Tank in WW II and
holding farting contests after a good game of rugby and a few beers. But she’s
magic with plants, though she doesn’t have ‘green fingers’, just nicotine
stained ones……….
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"SISTER RICHARD!" |