"THE GRAVEYARD CHRONICLES!": EPISODE 11: "Laundrette."

"IT WAS THEIR THIRD JOB INTERVIEW IN A WEEK - THEY REALLY MISS THE OLD DAYS!"

"Tom and his friends have been talked into working for the 'G-Men' and MR. Death is lurking in the background, Big G is away on a conference and his wayward brother, Brian, is running the existence show - and getting a few things wrong..........

Tom and company are about to have a close encounter with life!"

The Ghost Writer.

11: ”LAUNDRETTE.”
The team had decided on a weekend in Blackpool to recover from the near miss with the dinosaurs, Maude already had a ‘Kiss me quick’ hat and a full length Victorian Bathing costume in a wonderful shade of pink – I think she borrowed it from our friend Oscar Wilde.

I understand he wore it one summer at Southport and caused a sensation, with a bonus that two foreign sailors followed him home.

Max had acquired a bucket and spade; He really was excited about seeing the sea for the first time until Larde told him about Great-White Sharks……

Big Boy Frank had a tee shirt emblazoned:
“G-Men Holiday Tour 423753501164” - subtle he isn’t!

Oh, didn’t you know that 423753501164 was the REAL current year of existence and each new year, we celebrate by wearing strange hats and possessing the odd living person, if we can, that’s why all you ‘Lifer’s’ behave strangely now and again – you put it down to insanity or drink or that fish supper that tasted odd, when it’s really us little devils having a bit of fun once a year!

Since Blackpool was on the cards, for some strange reason, I had taken to playing the harmonica and wearing a beret, when Maude, who was rather puzzled by this behaviour, asked “Why?”

“The very question I would ask! – Maude is quite an intelligent young lady.”

The Ghost Writer.

I had no answer, except to give her an awful rendition of 'Blowing in the wind' and a passer-by dropped a couple of coins at my feet – then came back and picked them up.

The old Grandmother slapped me about the head (much to Maude's amusement) and shouted “I've heard water pipes make a better tune, you cloth-eared, tone deaf twat!” I think she wanted to shove it somewhere particularly unpleasant, but Maude and I solved the impending problem by running away very quickly - it probably saved a lot embarrassing explanations to Doctor Caper.

"MAUDE GOT ME THIS........"

"I bet you were surprised to find that the dead have money!

Colloquially referred to as ‘Tokens’, Afterlife coinage is a bit odd, it has no value denominations, as they are all the same: the obverse has a picture of the sun, whilst the reverse has the moon imprinted on it and around the edge runs the words: ‘Dignum Quod Vis’’ – everyone gets 33 of these coins as their ‘After-death Allowance’.

Similar to a Pension and it’s paid out each year on the anniversary of your passing over (if you haven’t being Collected or Corrected) at the local ‘Afterlife post office’ - What you spend them on is another story………"

Tom.

Larde had taken possession of a bright orange thong, which he threatened to wear, if the beer wasn’t forthcoming: “For heaven’s sake, get several crates of the bogging stuff!” Maude yelled at me, with real concern in her voice.

But, our plans were about to change yet again, for Lukas, the investigative reporter, had appeared at the cemetery, supposedly to interview residents about the impending cover up – that’s the one with the tarmac - and do a little number for the ‘human interest’ section of his paper.

But Big Boy frank and I had other ideas, especially when he asked me: “Are you going to work for MR. Death then?” and looking at the strange Tibetan Monk, sitting in a Jewish cemetery, cross legged and chanting, added: “I see the G-Men are already here.”

We both had the feeling he was onto us.

Lukas Watercloset certainly lived up to his reputation; he was quick, intelligent, inquisitive and a big ape in a suit – that drew some strange looks from the residents of the cemetery, the ‘old Gentleman’ thought the outsider ‘needed a damn shave’ and the Rabid Rabbi asked me if we were ‘F******g related’...

The ‘Old Gentleman’s’ wife thought he was Larde’s brother and everyone was surprised at the resemblance – except Larde who told anyone that commented on the likeness: “Go stuff your [unable to translate] in a dark hole you [I am able to translate, but I won’t!] Frigging arse headed shit [really unable to translate!] dog heads!”

He clearly disagreed with their conclusions!

Sadly, Blackpool was out of the question, so we had to devise a plan to throw him off the scent; and we came up with a cracker!

Big Boy Frank would suddenly say he needs to visit the ‘Religious Nuts Domain’ on the pretext of seeing his old mentor, President Ronald Regan (1911 – 2004), and I would slip away and using the thigh bone, visit MR. Death, accept his generous offer and start to get to the bottom of the ‘Soul trafficking’ racket.

"Now that this was one strange place, even for an afterlife, it‘s filled with the religious zealots from all Faiths and they fight and argue over whose ‘God’ is the real one, for all eternity, never realizing that Big G couldn’t give a toss about what they believe, just as long as they don’t kill each other over it whilst alive.

This Domain also shows that Big G has a sense of humour; the Angel in charge is Charles Darwin!

On this point about religion, I remember an article published in ‘The Coffin Dodgers Chronicle’, written by Lukas, when Big G was interviewed and made a point of saying that he had NEVER spoken to a live human in all existence! and that those books, supposedly quoting him, were written by humans for humans and bugger all to do with him!"

Tom.

"BUGGER! HOW WRONG CAN YOU GET?"

That was the plan, Big Boy Frank made a big show of leaving and that got Lukas’s fur standing up and he was following him about, reporter’s note book clutched in his paws.

I quickly gathered the gang together at the back of the ‘Old Gentleman’s’ crypt and we held onto the bone and chanted: “MR. Death! MR. Death! MR. Death!”

We were quickly finding out that travel by magic thigh bone, was as hazardous as sticking your head in a hungry lions mouth and slapping his happy sacks with a shovel.

Sorry! - Apologies to Max for that one.....

We arrived with a bang, but where and when?

"HOW THE HELL DID WE GET HERE!"

It had been quite a busy day in the small laundrette until we appeared, Larde landed on top of two large women who were unloading their mountainous ‘smalls’ from a washing machine, Max had appeared inside a tumble dryer, his face pressed up against the glass, contorted with panic and wrapped in several pairs of underpants – it was strange to see a Roman soldier spinning around with a pair of “long-johns” wrapped around his head – But I did manage to stop Larde inserting another coin!

Norman was fine; he was pissing up the soap dispenser, upon which I had landed with a bang, amongst a mix of plastic cups containing soap and coffee, I realised that my hair was foaming with ‘Persil’ and ‘Nescafe’ the mess running down my unhappy face.

“What the feck!” was all I could manage, and I grabbed a bundle of towels nearby and rubbed my head – then I realised that the customers had run screaming from the shop, they could see us and probably even smell Larde!

What the hell had happened? Where the hell were we? The laundrette's in the afterlife's have much bigger machines – You simply jump in and have a spin – it won't kill you after all – But Larde seems to avoid them like a job offer!

Having escaped the clutches of the tumble-dryer, with very little help from Larde who couldn’t keep the door closed for much longer, Max was staggering around the shop, falling over plastic chairs and shouting “I’ll get a sodding job tomorrow mother!” Larde managed to sit him down – and he threw up on the tiled floor – “I don’t remember eating pizza....” He muttered, holding his head.

Then I heard Maude shouting “Tom! Over here and keep you bloody eyes closed!”

"SORRY NO NAKED PICTURES OF MAUDE - SHE HIT ME! - SO HERE'S A STRANGE NAKED LADY (APART FROM BOOTS AND ACCORDIAN) WITH HER ARSE IN A TUMBLE DRYER....."

I looked about and saw Maude’s head emerge from behind the big dry cleaning machine in the corner, Then I realised she was stark naked! I now appreciate how a Lottery winner feels and I didn't even have to buy a ticket!

"I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO BUY A TICKET!"

Larde took one look and just stood with his toothless mouth open, the can of ‘Tennant’s Extra Strength Lager’ slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor, but He just stood there – completely mesmerised, finally his lips moved and he whispered: “There IS a God.” - And fainted.

He was lucky again - he had landed on Max.

I grabbed some clean sheets from a discarded laundry bag and gave them to Maude, who was attempting to cover her naughty bits with too few hands – She looked straight into my eyes as she wrapped herself up and casually remarked: “You can blink now.”

“Maude, I will take that vision to my grave.” I smiled, and yes, damn it!

I BLINKED!

“You’re already dead Tom......” She replied, then stopped in mid sentence and added in a trembling voice, breaking with real emotion, “Tom, you’re alive! Oh shit! I’m alive! I’m bloody.....bloody alive!”

I then realised my heart was beating, I was breathing again, I could feel sweat on my face and hands – I had a big erection!

“Jesus H Christ!” I exclaimed and Maude and I hugged with tears everywhere, I even felt the hard slap on my face as my hands accidently groped her bum.

Then Max groaning drew our attention, Larde had fallen with his arse straight on poor Max’s head – that’s when we realised that Larde had no underpants on!

Now that IS an image I will take to my grave.....

We managed to get Larde and Max back on their feet, and Maude found Larde a pair of blue overall’s to cover his embarrassment, whilst Max threw up again in a nearby laundry bag – that’s when I noticed that Max was also missing his helmet and breastplate, and then I saw my refection in the shop window, I was wearing nothing but vest and pants, the front bulging with a reactivated member (o.k. o.k. Not bulging! But you wouldn’t want it on your nose as a wart!) Also my hair and face was bright blue!

Maude believes it’s the mixture of coffee and soap powder and hopefully, it will wash out, otherwise the only employment I could gain would be playing Papa Smurf in a children’s pantomime.

"AAAAGGHHHH! - A LIFETIME OF PLAYING PAPA SMURF - I'D SOONER BE DEAD!"

Max broke down in tears and sat down on the floor, wiping his happy face, all he could say was: “I’m alive..........I’m alive..........I’ve got all my bits again............all what that bleeding lion ate, they are back........I’m alive, by Zeus............I need a shit!” He scuttled through the door marked ‘Toilet – Staff Only’ clutching his buttocks and was overjoyed to have his first dump in two thousand years – but apparently the effort and accompanying smells made him throw up again.

Larde still had a wide smile on his face (apparently, it stayed like that for two weeks) and strangely enough he didn’t appear to be overjoyed at being alive again. “Bollocks, I will have to go through all that shit again.” He muttered.

And we could understand exactly what he said – another miracle!

Larde slowly picked up the lager tin and peered inside “It’s empty.” He said simply and nodded to himself, like he understood totally what had happened – he decided to keep the can as a souvenir of his time being dead!

It took a few minutes of standing in silence, before Maude finally said: “We best find some suitable clothes, then find out where the hell we are.” Adding with a huge grin, “And find some bloody food! I could eat a horse and drink a river.”

Now that was something we could all agree upon, so we rummaged around the bags and began to dress.

Well my dear readers, the contents of the laundry bags yielded some interesting and bizarre results, Max was wearing a bright red silk shirt with over-hanging sleeves, skin tight leopard print trousers and Roman sandals – he looked like a refugee from a Village People tribute band - But he was too stupid to realise that and thought he looked “Great!” Which gained a full face-palm from Maude, who had found a purple Ra-Ra skirt (boy, she really did have a pair of legs!) a white blouse which was wonderfully low-cut, white ankle socks and a large straw bonnet festooned with summer flowers.

Maude paraded up and down the shop and said to me “Well, what do you think Tom? I just love this hat!” She was all smiles. “You look like a Manchester whore down on her luck.” I replied sadly, with some knowledge of the subject.

Larde kept the overall’s on and added a ‘Black Sabbath’ tee shirt to the mix – and a bright yellow scarf - He looked like a ‘heavy-metal’ farmer!

I covered myself with a pair of green army shorts, which were so long that, at first, I thought they were ordinary trousers! I added a dark black shirt with rhinestones, which I thought would look good with my beret – I knew that was an artistic touch - and finally, a lime green jacket – Maude looked me up and down with contempt and laughed: “Tom, You look like a cross between a tent and a gay Frenchman!”

I then noticed through the shop window, a café opposite called ‘Pies and Fries’ and we headed for it at the double – the smell of greasy food was overwhelming and we found an empty table by the window, to watch the large ladies returning to the laundrette with a couple of bemused young constables, one of whom slipped in Max’s puke and dragged the biggest woman down on him – we watched the fight with little interest as we stuffed nearly everything on the menu down our throats, a Police van turned up and three more officers piled into the melee, one came out via the window, with a large lady hanging on his trousers, who was handcuffed to a small officer by the ankles.

"SHIT! MY WASHING WAS IN THERE!"

The other lady appeared with a struggling policeman under each arm and one clinging to her back – the driver jumped from the van and fired a Taser-gun straight at her, it didn’t do much good – except make her hair stand on end and piss herself – the battered officers were saved by several reinforcements, and the van driver was particularly happy that an ambulance had arrived – the Para-Medic managed to remove the ‘Taser-gun’ from his arse without too much damage – or it firing off again and he was advised not to touch any electrical appliances for a while.

Eventually the riot subsided by nightfall, the laundrette was just a burnt out shell, there were several cars still alight and the riot squad had rescued the ‘Big Issue’ seller hanging from a lamp post by his braces.

The poor Bulgarian ran screaming from the scene shouting “Stuff this shit! You are all bloody crazy!” (See, these people are trying to integrate with the locals and learn the language!) Whilst throwing several copies of the popular journal in the air, one slapped the window where I sat, and the headline was interesting indeed!