 |
| "NICE SIGN - THANKS FOR THAT!" |
15: ”SORRY, IS THIS HEAVEN OR HELL?”
Sister Mercy had landed on top of me and was helping herself to a handful of what the Pharaoh had lost!
Maude dragged me from under her and said; “SORRY to disturb you, BUT IS THIS HEAVEN OR HELL?”
I looked about the beautiful countryside, all dark green pastures, forest and sparkling rivers, the weather was hot and still, a perfect summer’s day. The path upon which we landed, lead to a set of magnificent black gates, with figures of dragons and snakes embellished on the ironwork – a huge masterpiece of the Blacksmith’s art – each side of them ran a dark red, brick wall, at least forty feet high and it seemed to stretch away to the horizon.“
“Totally breath-taking!” I exclaimed.
Sister Mercy was pulling down her skirt and glaring at Maude, “Well numb-nuts, are we here?” She took a swig from her hip-flask and put the cigar back between her lips and blew smoke everywhere – she smoked more than Battersea Power Station in its heyday.
Larde pointed down the lane with a concerned look upon his face, cycling towards us, his top hat gleaming in the crisp sunshine and his little bells jingling, was Reg, leader of the ‘Naughty Boy’s Biker Gang’. He gave a little tinkle on his bike bell and waved.
“Tom! You did it! Well done mate!” He called out in his thick Australian accent and stopped in front of us with a little wheel-spin for dramatic effect.
Sister Mercy looked Reg up and down and sucking on her cigar, seemed disappointed; “Bugger me! Another one who's lost his pride and joy. I f******g hope there are some better equipped B******ds in Hell!”
“Sure is, and now, if Sister Mercy would jump on my handle-bars, we’ll be on our way.” Reg patted his handle-bars and Sister Mercy hitched up her skirt again and climbed aboard – what a bizarre sight! - A six foot skeleton, resplendent in top hat and tank-top pushing a bike with a Nun on the handle-bars, showing all her private parts and smoking a cigar!
Mr. Boggle wandered up the lane, he stared at Reg and the naughty Nun with some amazement, but then he saw Larde;”What the f**k!” He exclaimed pointing at the bemused Larde, with real puzzlement in his voice. Then smiling to himself, Mr. Boggle disappeared into the fields opposite.
Reg gave me a look of real wonder and said; “Who the hell is that?”
We answered in unison; “Mr. Boggle!” and fell about laughing.
Then Reg waved me over and handed me a shoulder blade: “A message from the Boss, he was very impressed the way you fooled the G-Men, they never caught on when you kept sending that idiot Agent Longwank off on so-called diversions, he thought that was brilliant! And the way you disposed of that insulting little twerp with the red tutu was fantastic. MR. Death says you’ll go right to the top in his little organisation, well done Tom, there’s no grudge from the boy’s either about the fight. You are the man!” and gave me a high five.
“You don’t see that everyday [unable to translate] not where I’m from anyway [unable to translate] red panties with playboy on......” Larde seemed quite surprised by Sister Mercy’s choice of underwear, more so than by what Hell actually was.
“Goodbye Tom!” Sister Mercy shouted with a wave, “Look me up next time you’re in Hell!” She then made an obscene gesture with her hand and mouth, laughing; “Come on you f******g heap of bones, to Hell!”
As they approached the great gates, they just seemed to vanish. We all stood in silence, amazed, until Maude said “Good riddance to bad rubbish, what did Reg have to say and what’s in the message?”
I was still a bit stunned by how the events had turned out, MR. Death hadn’t betrayed us - it was all planned to go via the ‘Pit of Lost Souls’ and have that poor idiot end up as lions fodder, they must have left the key where Norman could find it and knew we would take Matrix Man with us.
I suspected that searching for the Pharaohs wedding tackle wasn’t on the agenda – but things like that just seem to happen to us!
When I explained all to the gang, Max looked totally amazed; “Well stick a pencil up my nose and lead me around!” Larde just shrugged his shoulders and looked me up and down with a concerned look upon his face, he took a swig from his can of ‘Tennant’s Extra Strong lager’ and giving me another strange look, walked away and started to pat Norman.
Maude said nothing for a few seconds, then grabbing me with both hands about the shoulders said: “Tom, are you on the level with us?” She wiped a few tears from her eyes and stared at me with such a look, I felt a lump in my throat. I nodded, “Course I am! None of this was planned by me, it just worked out that way, we got lucky, and that’s all. I swear it, o.k. let’s read the message and get the Hell out of here!”
That was something we all agreed upon.
I turned the shoulder blade over and read out loud what MR. Death had written:
“Dear Tom – brilliant job! – take a few days off and then see me at the Chateau – I need you for a very special and personal task for myself – you are now one of my trusted lieutenants, break open this bone and your special travel key and weapon are enclosed – respect, MR. Death”
The look Maude gave me was one of great sadness, she turned away saying: “Let’s just go home please.” Larde patted her shoulders and nodded.
Max said “What is a ‘Nun’ Tom?” Larde kicked him up the arse and shook his head, “What a [unable to translate] with bloody great bells on!”
I broke open the bone and two items fell out – a coin and a stunning, dark jade ring with a curled serpent of gold as the band – which one was the fucking weapon and how did it work? I placed the ring upon my finger and pushed the coin into my pocket.
Larde had peered at them with some interest; “The coin must be the travel key [unable to translate] like the other one [unable to translate] how does a frigging ring O.D. you?” I shrugged my shoulders and pulled the key from my pocket: “We’ll use this until I know for certain which is which!” I smiled at Maude, but she just looked at the ground.
I felt awful – how could I convince her that I was on the level?
Still, getting home was a priority, so we grouped together, with Maude holding Norman, I counted down, and we shouted “Home! Home! Home!”
The key was working with the same accuracy as the garbage, magic thigh bones, for we found ourselves in an Insurance seminar in Luton.
It was worse than being dead! The key-note speaker had all the charisma of a bag of nails – his voice was a constant monotone, the South Koreans could play it back to their brothers in the North and surrender would be swift and certain – it was torture!
It was one of the few times that we all agreed, it was better to be dead than a delegate here. I swear I saw a couple of 'Collectors' wandering around the audience looking for business, one even waved at us, looked at his ledger, then with a sad look upon his face, shrugged his shoulders and moved on.
We still weren't on the bloody list!
We escaped into the car-park and with some relief, gathered around the Key and tried again.
On the second attempt, we found ourselves sitting on the roof of Terminal 3 at Heathrow Airport – we watched the planes landing and taking off for a few minutes and then had to retrieve Max after he slipped from the roof and fell into a baggage train, heading for a Virgin Transatlantic flight.
Larde had to be convinced to save him, but we got the idiot back.
We tried a third time. We shouted “Home! Home! Home!”
With a crash, we landed upon the deck of the Titanic.
Maude gave me her ‘Oh bogging Hell!’ look and I knew something was wrong.
Until next time dear readers – and remember ‘Heaven can be Hell sometimes'....well, whatever floats your boat.....Bye!
Copyright © 2011-2021 Stephen Williams. No reproduction of any part without permission.
Sister Mercy had landed on top of me and was helping herself to a handful of what the Pharaoh had lost!
Maude dragged me from under her and said; “SORRY to disturb you, BUT IS THIS HEAVEN OR HELL?”
I looked about the beautiful countryside, all dark green pastures, forest and sparkling rivers, the weather was hot and still, a perfect summer’s day. The path upon which we landed, lead to a set of magnificent black gates, with figures of dragons and snakes embellished on the ironwork – a huge masterpiece of the Blacksmith’s art – each side of them ran a dark red, brick wall, at least forty feet high and it seemed to stretch away to the horizon.“
“Totally breath-taking!” I exclaimed.
Sister Mercy was pulling down her skirt and glaring at Maude, “Well numb-nuts, are we here?” She took a swig from her hip-flask and put the cigar back between her lips and blew smoke everywhere – she smoked more than Battersea Power Station in its heyday.
 |
| SEE! IT CAN'T TOUCH SISTER MERCY FOR FUCKING SMOKE!" |
“Tom! You did it! Well done mate!” He called out in his thick Australian accent and stopped in front of us with a little wheel-spin for dramatic effect.
Sister Mercy looked Reg up and down and sucking on her cigar, seemed disappointed; “Bugger me! Another one who's lost his pride and joy. I f******g hope there are some better equipped B******ds in Hell!”
“Is this hell?” Maude looked stunned and folded her arms; she was clearly amazed, as we could hear laughter and singing coming from behind those great gates, someone was apparently having a good time – And it wasn't us!
Mr. Boggle wandered up the lane, he stared at Reg and the naughty Nun with some amazement, but then he saw Larde;”What the f**k!” He exclaimed pointing at the bemused Larde, with real puzzlement in his voice. Then smiling to himself, Mr. Boggle disappeared into the fields opposite.
Reg gave me a look of real wonder and said; “Who the hell is that?”
We answered in unison; “Mr. Boggle!” and fell about laughing.
Then Reg waved me over and handed me a shoulder blade: “A message from the Boss, he was very impressed the way you fooled the G-Men, they never caught on when you kept sending that idiot Agent Longwank off on so-called diversions, he thought that was brilliant! And the way you disposed of that insulting little twerp with the red tutu was fantastic. MR. Death says you’ll go right to the top in his little organisation, well done Tom, there’s no grudge from the boy’s either about the fight. You are the man!” and gave me a high five.
“You don’t see that everyday [unable to translate] not where I’m from anyway [unable to translate] red panties with playboy on......” Larde seemed quite surprised by Sister Mercy’s choice of underwear, more so than by what Hell actually was.
“Goodbye Tom!” Sister Mercy shouted with a wave, “Look me up next time you’re in Hell!” She then made an obscene gesture with her hand and mouth, laughing; “Come on you f******g heap of bones, to Hell!”
As they approached the great gates, they just seemed to vanish. We all stood in silence, amazed, until Maude said “Good riddance to bad rubbish, what did Reg have to say and what’s in the message?”
 |
| "TWO DOORS - SAME ENTRANCE?" |
I suspected that searching for the Pharaohs wedding tackle wasn’t on the agenda – but things like that just seem to happen to us!
When I explained all to the gang, Max looked totally amazed; “Well stick a pencil up my nose and lead me around!” Larde just shrugged his shoulders and looked me up and down with a concerned look upon his face, he took a swig from his can of ‘Tennant’s Extra Strong lager’ and giving me another strange look, walked away and started to pat Norman.
Maude said nothing for a few seconds, then grabbing me with both hands about the shoulders said: “Tom, are you on the level with us?” She wiped a few tears from her eyes and stared at me with such a look, I felt a lump in my throat. I nodded, “Course I am! None of this was planned by me, it just worked out that way, we got lucky, and that’s all. I swear it, o.k. let’s read the message and get the Hell out of here!”
That was something we all agreed upon.
I turned the shoulder blade over and read out loud what MR. Death had written:
“Dear Tom – brilliant job! – take a few days off and then see me at the Chateau – I need you for a very special and personal task for myself – you are now one of my trusted lieutenants, break open this bone and your special travel key and weapon are enclosed – respect, MR. Death”
The look Maude gave me was one of great sadness, she turned away saying: “Let’s just go home please.” Larde patted her shoulders and nodded.
Max said “What is a ‘Nun’ Tom?” Larde kicked him up the arse and shook his head, “What a [unable to translate] with bloody great bells on!”
I broke open the bone and two items fell out – a coin and a stunning, dark jade ring with a curled serpent of gold as the band – which one was the fucking weapon and how did it work? I placed the ring upon my finger and pushed the coin into my pocket.
Larde had peered at them with some interest; “The coin must be the travel key [unable to translate] like the other one [unable to translate] how does a frigging ring O.D. you?” I shrugged my shoulders and pulled the key from my pocket: “We’ll use this until I know for certain which is which!” I smiled at Maude, but she just looked at the ground.
I felt awful – how could I convince her that I was on the level?
Still, getting home was a priority, so we grouped together, with Maude holding Norman, I counted down, and we shouted “Home! Home! Home!”
The key was working with the same accuracy as the garbage, magic thigh bones, for we found ourselves in an Insurance seminar in Luton.
It was worse than being dead! The key-note speaker had all the charisma of a bag of nails – his voice was a constant monotone, the South Koreans could play it back to their brothers in the North and surrender would be swift and certain – it was torture!
 |
| "It was better to be dead than a delegate here!" |
We still weren't on the bloody list!
We escaped into the car-park and with some relief, gathered around the Key and tried again.
On the second attempt, we found ourselves sitting on the roof of Terminal 3 at Heathrow Airport – we watched the planes landing and taking off for a few minutes and then had to retrieve Max after he slipped from the roof and fell into a baggage train, heading for a Virgin Transatlantic flight.
Larde had to be convinced to save him, but we got the idiot back.
"It was my old pal Larde, who managed to convince Maude that I
had not planned all this, and that I was not secretly working for MR.
Death. He told her that I was far too stupid to have constructed such
a master plan!
After a little while she realised that he was right - I really don't know how to take that! "
Tom.
After a little while she realised that he was right - I really don't know how to take that! "
Tom.
"I
could have told her that….”
The Ghost Writer.
The Ghost Writer.
With a crash, we landed upon the deck of the Titanic.
 |
| "IF ONLY....." |
“A sea voyage will do us good!” exclaimed Max, then looking around; “Are there any of them great white thingy's about?” We received a bit of a shock; several passengers passed by us and said 'Good morning.'
Maude gave me her ‘Oh bogging Hell!’ look and I knew something was wrong.
They were clearly dead - like us - I knew we had returned to ‘The History repeats itself Domain’ – Oh shit!
 |
| FORWARD TO EPISODE 16. "PIRATES OF THE TITANIC!£ |
 |
| RETURN TO EPISODE 14. "SISTER MERCY." |
 |
| "THE GHOST WRITER." |