"THE GRAVEYARD CHRONICLES!": EPISODE 17: "House Brick."

"WHERE THE HELL DID MAUDE FIND A HOUSE BRICK - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN?"

17: "HOUSE BRICK."

Now what!!

“What the hell!” I said and rattled my chains – Larde and I really could make a fine living (well, death) haunting old houses – if anyone paid for such endeavours.

It was Maude! She placed the lamp on the desk nearby and rolled the sleeves of the big coat up, and gripping the axe with both hands shouted: “Hold still Tom! I’ll have you free in a minute!”

The axe came down right between my legs, causing little red and yellow sparks – It was the first time I actually prayed in years, just a couple of inches either way, me and the Pharaoh would really have a lot in common!

The second blow done the job and once free I set to work on Larde, he in turn set about Max with the axe, though both Maude and I, kept our eyes closed for that particular act of release – That wonderful film 'The Shinning' came to mind.

Once we had Max down, I asked Maude what happened, and it appears that Captain ‘Dagger’ Jones was a big pervert. Maude explained thus:

“I was dragged off to the Captain’s cabin and told to put on just the clothes he gave me, which consisted of a set of black rabbit ears, a stretch velvet and marabou feather strapless dress, with ribbon lace-up back and neck bow. The panties are see through black lace, they are hardly worth wearing!” She gave a look of disgust and continued:

“Then he added a really long pair of black Gloves and told me that I had to wear red Wellington boots, and bloody hop around the room while he rubbed his crotch with a copy of ‘Exchange & Mart’ and played John Denver’s ‘Take me home country roads’ on his harmonica.”

"Another harmonica player! I was impressed with that – but Maude pointed out that he could actually play the damn thing....."
Tom.

“The filthy, sick git! [Unable to translate] John Denver!” Larde was stunned; “John Denver!” He repeated, shaking his head in shock.

Maude continued; “Well, I must have jumped around that bleeding room for a good ten minutes, then he finishes playing that bloody John Denver song and starts ripping up the magazine and stuffing bits into my Wellington's. He then pulled an egg whisk from his pocket and beckoned me with a finger saying;“ Come to daddy, my little fluffy bunny pooh-pooh!”

"Kylie the pirate lady models the Captain's favourite outfit on the Grand Staircase."

Max said; “Was it the car & caravan edition?” I believe a little concerned to get the facts right, in this disturbing and sordid tale, of pirate perversion on the high seas, or he really was an idiot – you decide dear readers!

Maude ignored Max and finished her story; “Well, I was standing there bouncing my boobs up and down and he seemed to be in a trance, that’s when I got him, straight between the eyes!” She grinned and punched a fist in the air.

I had a vision of those bouncing beauties – they would mesmerise any hot blooded male – dead or alive! - Never mind if they did hit you between the eyes later....

”Tom, you idiot, I didn’t hit him with them, I used half a house brick!” Maude shook her head and my perverted fantasy was at an end.

“Hang on; where the hell did you get half a house brick in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?” I was now officially amazed and unofficially simply astounded!

“Easy Tom, if you know where to look.” She seemed concerned that I didn’t know that and presumably, neither did Captain “I'm a frigging big pervert” Jones!

With the Captain unconscious on the floor with a huge grin still on his face, Maude had stolen his big black sea-coat and escaped. Apparently Kylie, the lady pirate toilet attendant who Maude had made friends with earlier, told her where we had been taken.

“So, you still have that outfit on?” I asked, carefully putting a nearby packet of table serviettes over my crotch – I noticed that Larde was heading for the door with the axe covering the same parts and a dreamy look on his face. Max also noticed and put a large soap dish on his head, smiled and winked at me; “Know what you mean Tom!”

He really was dumb as dog shit.

“Yes, so what? We really need to get off this ship!” Maude pointed to the floor; a trickle of water was slipping through the open door and lapping around our feet.

“At least you’ve the right footwear on!” I joked, and pulled the key from my pocket; “We’ll soon be off this wreck!”

“What about Norman?” Max looked around; “He’s not here.” That bloody dog disappears all the time – what on earth was he up to? But more importantly, where the flip was he?

I had to think quickly, the icy water was lapping about my boots; “Who saw him last?” I asked in desperation as we headed for the door and into the quickly flooding corridor.

“The Ball-Room - I entered him in the Fancy dress contest!” Exclaimed Maude and so we raced down the damp passage way until we came across a locked grill, barring our exit, the water behind was building up rapidly.

I rattled the stubborn gateway and shouted “We can’t go back, the waters coming in too fast!”

Larde took a couple swings at it, but it was no good, the axe head fell off and landed on Max, luckily, the soap dish prevented any serious injury.

Then a steward appeared, drawn by the noise and the screams of Max, he was resplendent in a white jacket and pirate hat, he looked at us with great curiosity - in his clenched fist was a set of keys!

“This stairway is for First Class passengers only – go away.” He sneered and was about to turn away. “We gonna fucking drown you dumb shit – Open the fecking gate!” I shouted, we were running out of time, and would swear that I could hear ‘Jerry Springer’ laughing like the devil at my shoulder.

"Welcome to the REAL Hell, Tom!"

Looking back at us, he smirked; “More than my jobs worth sir, just show me why I should.” And jingled the keys, a few inches from our outstretched hands, what an officious little prick!

We were now in the shit – big time!

But Maude stepped back a little from the grill and said quietly “Maybe for some of this?” She opened that heavy black coat fully and smiled at the boy - the effect was electric and immediate.

“OH SHIT YES!” he exclaimed and dropped the keys into Larde’s hand, his mouth and eyes wide open in sheer joy and erotic anticipation.

It took just a few seconds to open the grill, but already the Steward had his trousers down, a bottle of wine open, soft music playing and a cigarette on – but what he got was a punch in the throat from me, and as he lay coughing and moaning on the flooded floor, I whispered in his ear; “You lucky, lucky bugger!”

Then we headed for the Ball-Room at breakneck speed, the ship was creaking and groaning like an elephant with the shits. We passed an old couple still sitting on their deckchairs, shouting for a Steward to bring some more drinks – Maude had words, but they mistook her for a 'Hooker' and she felt insulted to be offered just 10 shillings (50 pence in today's money...) by the old man......

"Maude had entered Norman in a fancy dress contest – being cleverly disguised as a pirate, no one suspected he was a dog, and ‘shiver my timbers’ as our hosts would say, he won 1st prize! - A return set of tickets for another voyage on this great ship.

But Larde ate them."

Tom.

"Shiver me timbers! It's Norman!"

We found Norman sitting in the deserted Ball-Room, resplendent in his pirate costume, on a drinks tray, he was happily floating under the empty tables and chairs, and if he wasn’t a dog, I would have thought he was playing pirates.

I tucked him under my arm, grabbed the key and we shouted in unison; “Home! Home! Home!

It didn’t work, we tried again – Nothing. The great ship lurched again and the water was rising steadily. The ship wasn't the only thing with a sinking feeling around here...

“It’s not bloody working!” screamed Max and started to panic; “Oh my God! Not Jerry Springer and all those trailer trash people - for bleeding eternity!”

We tried it one more time – bugger all happened! We stood in silence, as we realised that we were trapped on the deserted, dying ship and the awful fate that a wait's us in the ‘Outer Domain’, with the added horrific bonus that we may meet ‘Matrix Man’ again.....Then I had a brilliant idea – even if I say so myself.

“The bloody coin! MR. Death’s travel ticket!” I shouted joyfully.

I pulled it from my pocket and we all shouted; “Home! Home! Home!

I arrived at the gates of the Château – but alone.

“Bugger!” I exclaimed and yelled; “Back! Back! Back!”

I was returned to the Titanic; Maude looked surprised “What happened, Tom?” The situation was now bloody serious; the front of the great ship was slipping below the surface.

There she goes again....until the next cruise!"

“It only works for me.” I said quietly, looking at their faces in the moonlight – there was another silence for a few seconds – apart from Max sobbing.

“Well save yourself, go on, it’s stupid to stay here, we’re gone Tom, save yourself.” Maude spoke straight to me and gripped my hand, “Go now, before it’s too late.”

“Go friend, go now.” Larde said and raised his tin; “Get your bleeding arse off [unable to translate] before I stick that coin [unable to translate] fruit machine.” He was a true friend and I was a little choked, I couldn’t reply except to pat his shoulder and my hand came back filthy.

Max said; “I’ll give Matrix Man your kind regards – he really did like you.”

I looked straight at them and said simply; “No.” We hugged as a group and waited for the end. The ship lurched again and Maude screamed – sorry, correct that dear reader – it was Max.

Then a bright yellow and white flare illuminated the whole dreadfully sad scene, that’s when we saw the figure on the ice-berg, it was waving at us and yelling, then I realised what we had to do.

“Get on the frigging ice-berg!” I shouted and we waded across the great ship, now in her death throes’, decking was breaking beneath our feet, metal was snapping, Max was sobbing and clutching Larde’s hand until a boot up the backside ended that display of affection. Towering above us was the guilty ice-berg and the strange figure was casting down a bright orange rope, it slapped the water and I grabbed it with both hands.

“Maude, you first!” But she shook her head, “It’ll have to be you or Larde, someone strong enough to pull the other’s up!”

“Bugger!” She was right of course and so I pushed the reluctant Larde up the rope, the tin of “Tennant’s Extra Strong Lager” between his knees, and I tucked Norman under Max’s arm and patted him, then Larde gripped Max by the shirt and the two started to climb.

“You next - no argument!” I shouted at Maude and pushed her towards the rope, but the ship seemed to disappear below us and we plunged into the freezing sea, being swept some distance from the ice-berg.

I went under a couple of times and horrific images flashed through my mind: gunfire, speeding cars, a beautiful face – but not Maude’s, Norman howling, terrible pain all over, an episode of ‘Little House On The Prairie’ – I knew I was finished.

But I felt myself being pulled upwards; “Help me! Pull yourself up, you big twat!” It was Maude; she had hold of my jacket and was hauling me onto a piece of wood – a door I think. I lay there gasping, then I sat up; “That was too bloody close for comfort!”

Maude gripped my arm and we sat on the door together and watched the great ship finally disappear beneath the waves – well, until the next cruise anyway – this damn ship goes up and down like a whores drawers!