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| "THE NAUGHTY BIKER BOY'S ON THE PISS." |
7:“BONES.”
There were several
of the dreadful creatures surrounding Larde, who was only armed with a tin of
'Tennant's Extra Strong Lager' and a dwarf called Gordon - who looked quite
surprised to be fending off the hellish skeletons, whilst being swung around by
his boots, and still gripping his pint of Guinness and a cheese sandwich.
The gang members
were carrying Morris dancing sticks and a couple even had bright coloured
handkerchiefs! What vicious thugs! Threatening a man who never blew his nose
into one - ever - he always used his sleeves or the curtains - they truly were
the very epitome of evil.
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| "TROY AND KENDRICK - GORDON'S BACK UP!" |
Max was throwing peanuts at them from the safety of my back - I realised then, he was a first class coward and obviously proud of it.
I banged a bar-stool over a couple more and their fecking little bells won't jingle for a while!
Larde had taken out several more, Gordon was a lethal weapon in the hands of such a man, clearly trained in the arts of dwarf fighting, I knew that there was more to Larde than just the stench - he was magnificent, swinging the dwarf above his head, he was unstoppable - I was proud to call him a friend.
But more of the gang was arriving, we were trapped and outnumbered, so we formed a circle on the dance floor (when I say circle, I mean Maude, Larde and I were on the outside, and a quivering Max was on the inside) "Feck it!" I shouted, "You'll never take us alive, you bone bags!"
Maude pointed out that we were already dead, so I amended our battle cry to "Oh bollocks!" Short and to the point I think.
The room seemed to fill with the boney buggers.
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| "AND THE BAND PLAYED ON........" |
Slowly, the vast number of grinning, evil, Morris dancing skeletons began to close on us - "We need a bogging miracle!" Shouted Maude, as she finished another Vodka bottle and broke it over Larde's head, to make a weapon of choice - he smiled and shouted: "What a frigging [unable to translate] She makes my [unable to translate] with custard!"
Thus, in the hushed ballroom, we awaited our fate; all that could be heard was the jingling of little bells, the creaking of bones, the hard breathing of warriors preparing for a last battle and Max sobbing, “I’m too young to die twice!”
Then, the sinister strains of “Y.M.C.A.” could be heard as the evil skeletons started to perform their ‘Dance of Death’, with utmost precision, they formed the letters of that great song from the Village People and rattled their sticks - the final battle was at hand!
Slowly the wall of bone and bells started its final dance towards us – “This is it!” I shouted and grabbed another bar-stool; Maude was now armed with a broken Vodka bottle (empty of course) and a large pink umbrella - thrown from the crowd by our mate Oscar Wilde.
Larde tightened his grip on Gordon and the little fellow had started on his second pint and now was enjoying a packet of pork scratchings before being swung back into the fray.
Max had curled up in a ball on the floor and asking his mother to stop by………
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| "I KNOW HOW MICKEY FEELS!" |
Mr. Boggle wandered between us and the mass of evil skeletons, he looked them up and down and said; “What the f**k!” Then disappeared into the crowd. The skeletons looked at each other, quite puzzled.
Maude and I shrugged our shoulders – he was a strange fellow!
Then all hell broke loose!!
The skeletons were running in every direction, climbing walls, diving under tables, hiding in the 'Ladies' toilet in a suitable disguise – some grabbing table-cloth’s and lampshades to create quite a good effect, one even managed to find a complete ‘Bo-Peep’ outfit, whilst another hung himself on the wall and pretended to be a pirate flag.
For these creatures from Hell feared only one thing - Norman!
The very sight of him made them scatter like leaves in the wind or as Larde summed it up: "Like shit [unable to translate] through a sieve."
Norman only barked a couple times and they were gone, we could hear the ratting of bones, and the jingle of bells mixed with the screeching of tyres - they didn't like dogs because they knew dogs like bones..........
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| "GOOD ADVICE!" |
Gordon couldn't join our team - he would have been a great little asset - he had to go home, because it was his turn for the bed - he was from a very large family of dwarfs, so many in fact, that they shared the one bed between them, and he had waited for three months to get a good night’s sleep!
Well, that's it for now, until next time - stay lucky, stay alive and stay away from skeletons who ride cycles!
No. 7 OF 'A SKELETON'S LIFE SERIES:
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| "IF LIFE IS A PARTY, THEN DEATH IS AN ORGY!" |
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| FORWARD TO EPISODE 8. "WILD TIMES." |
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| RETURN TO EPISODE 6. "PARTY TALK." |
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| "THE GHOST WRITER!" |