"THE GRAVEYARD CHRONICLES!": EPISODE 8: "Wild Times."

"HEY COLIN!; IS THAT A METEORITE UP THERE?... OH SHIT!...."

"After their little disagreement with the ‘Naughty Boy’s Biker Gang’ at MR. Death’s party, Tom and the gang are trying to keep a low profile whilst searching for the Angel in Charge.

But they meet some unfriendly dinosaurs, and have visitors – the Law!

The ‘G-Men’ have arrived!"

The Ghost Writer.

8: “WILD TIMES.”

I’ll pick up where we finished last time - After we escaped the clutches of MR. Death’s unfriendly cohorts with their violence and evil Morris dancing habits, we found ourselves stuck in the grounds of the chateau, trying to figure a way back home.

"Sitting in the great gardens, we realised that the Chateau grounds had hosted a concert for the swarms of ‘Lifer’s’ about the place, the band had been an ‘ABBA’ tribute set-up.

MR. Death had clearly used his powers to merge the living performances with that of the deceased ‘Big L’ and create the show for his dead friends – no wonder the place was full of booze and food."

Tom.

Finally, after sitting around for a while, Maude came up with a great suggestion:“ Tom, why not try that damn bone! It got us here; maybe it can get us back?”

Then to reinforce her point, she bounced a small stone off my head and grinned.

Well, the decision to re-use the bone was unanimous, apart from Max, who suggested we start walking – but he was over ruled by Larde, who kicked him up the arse: “You twat [unable to translate] with no Christmas lights you [That could be an incorrect translation] bloody dipshit!”

So with a democratic vote taken, we gathered around the thigh bone and I turned it slowly around in my hands, then I noticed the small writing opposite the original message, I read it out to the others: “For returns, say your home three times – good luck – it doesn’t always work – sorry!”

I shrugged my shoulders, it had to be worth a try, “We’ll say ‘home’ three times, and maybe we’ll get lucky.” Everyone placed their hands and on the bone and Maude started the countdown “Three, two, one!”

We shouted in unison: “Home! Home! Home!”

"I KNEW THE CEMETERY WAS OVERGROWN, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"

We stood in the rain, getting wetter by the minute, the mud must have been a couple of inches deep, the bushes and brambles, lying in wait amongst the heavy undergrowth, tugged at our clothes and nipped at any bare skin it could discover.

Max gave us a full stare of contempt and finally said “Well, that was a great idea, you useless gits!”

Larde tried to re-insert his boot up Max’s backside and Maude threw a stone at his self-congratulating head - I really hate it when an idiot like him is right, whilst an idiot like me can’t seem to get a thing correct....

“Where the [unable to translate] I’m frigging soaked and [unable to translate] with soggy balls!” Larde was wiping his face and looking about. He was right, where the feck were we?

The forest lay to one side of the small clearing where we stood getting wet, and it was gloomy and foreboding, the tree’s were all huge, with twisted branches and dark canopies of leaves – the forest appeared like an abode of giants, we found ourselves completely dwarfed by it.

Then Maude pointed out that the undergrowth was just giant blades of grass and moss. Why was everything so big? Who or what lived here? And had they already indulged in dinner?

Max added that it was “hot as hell!” - As if he knew – The sky was several shades of blue, with light grey clouds and a strong, yellowish white sun. “The heat’s unbearable!” Exclaimed Maude, then added “The rain’s almost turning to steam!”

We couldn’t remain here, getter wetter by the minute, so we headed for the cover of the trees and upon arrival found shelter under the upturned roots of a giant fallen fern tree. That’s when Maude pointed out something a little terrifying, the clearing we had found ourselves in, was in fact some animal’s footprint!!

“I think I know where we’ve landed” Maude said quietly, “This Domain’s Angel is Steve Irwin.” She looked about with some real fear on her beautiful face. I then realised, where we had appeared, we were in the 'Wild Domain' - the afterlife for really big and fucking dangerous animals!

"THE GREAT MAN HIMSELF - WITH A FRIEND!"

Max said: “Who the hell is Steve Irwin?”

Maude explained with some patience about the great man and his adventures with really dangerous animals, Max were not impressed, saying simply “I was eaten by a bloody lion, and I wasn’t made a bleeding Angel.” He really was picking the language up fast.

“Never mind that shit [unable to translate] are we? - you twats!” Larde was clearly wet and frustrated, and took a long swig from his tin. Maude looked about and said “This is the Wild Domain, the realm of the Dinosaurs!”

"See, for once I was right..."

Tom.

Max said: “Who are the dinosaurs?”

Maude took a deep breath and tried to explain about the giant beasts, but Max was unimpressed, “Nothings worse than a Lion.” He folded his arms and shook his head, “I was eaten by one, you know.”

“We know!” We shouted in unison. Max was now officially sulking – it didn’t last long, because you can’t actually sulk and run screaming at the same time.

The sound of barking made us turn from Max and with delight, we saw Norman bounding towards us, all fluffy and cute and running as fast as his little terrier legs could bloody carry him – Maude summed it up quite well I think:

“RUN LIKE BOGGING HELL!” She screamed, hitching up her grave dress and allowing those stunning long legs, full rein to move really, really fast.

Larde was already in motion – as was I.

Only Max stood there – like a statue – shocked rigid by the sight before him.

Then I realised he was doing the right thing (Not again – feck!) I remembered the film ‘Jurassic Park’ and never thought in my life, I would thank Steven Spielberg for saving my....emm....well, death, I suppose.

“STAY COMPLETELY STILL!” I screamed and froze, caught like a work of art, Norman under one arm, sensibly playing dead (which he was really good at being dead for real) me with one leg up and my free arm over my head, like I was waving or drowning or both.

SPIELBERG: 'THOSE FUCKWITS ACTUALLY BELIEVED ONE OF MY FILMS!'
   LUKAS: 'WHAT A BUNCH OF PLONKERS!'
   FORD: 'YES, BUT MAUDE HAS GREAT LEGS!"
   UNKNOWN WOMAN: 'THOSE DINOSAURS WON'T GET HURT, WILL THEY?'

Maude stopped with her skirt right up – I allowed myself a little head turn to gain the full benefit of that.....A small stone landed between my eyes – how the hell does she manage that, without moving?

Larde was stock still; the tin of lager at his lips and Max had fainted. The pair of Tyrannosaurus Rex’s had also stopped, and were looking around, as if someone had switched the lights out and they didn’t have a flash-light between them. They were so close, I could see the salvia dribbling down their teeth and dropping in puddles at my feet – it was a ‘brown trouser moment’ as Steve Irwin would have probably said.

The bigger one of the pair had a strange look upon his face, and he roared, then with some horrible gurgling noises and farting – can you imagine what a T-Rex fart can do? For the first time in my life, (sorry, death) my hair was parted – the bugger had a dump of epic proportions – over us.

Then with a satisfied look upon its stupid head, it followed the other fucker back into the trees, and the ground did actually rumble as they walked – not that I could care – standing like a shop mannequin with half a tonne of dinosaur shit over me.

“I do love dinosaurs! The T-Rex was my favourite – I use to make clay models of them when I was a kid, but I never made piles of their pooh!

The Ghost Writer.

We spent some time trying to clean the crap off with large leaves, but the smell lingered, oddly enough only Larde professed not to be bothered by the stench.

Max said: “Lions are just big pussies.” We all nodded in agreement, and he added “They would need a bigger Coliseum.”

The music to ‘Jaws’ seemed to fill my head for a few seconds.

Then a small pebble bounced off my skull and Maude said “Tom, an elevator has just arrived!”